Evaluating my past...to figure out my present

My best-friend, as in my wife-to-be has implored me to "stay away from people, places adn things that are harmful to you. You have to employ that strategy EVERY single DAY of your life. Otherwise, you will drag me down with you, and take your family right along as well". I wish I could have heard words like those from my father; I really believe that was his duty, his responsibility to educate (as in life-lessons) and protect me. However, I am grateful for the presence of the woman that shared this insight with me. The spirit in this woman is from out of this world and sometimes I feel unworthy of such loyalty and love.

So I am loooking for people to dialogue and correspond with and I welcome all who are willing. I have done little traveling, but with a little imagination, I can travel anywhere with anyone, and if you would like to share your journeys, whether they are navigating the ups and downs of life, or relating your travels across your state, country or world. You know, there are billions of us on earth, and each one of us has some type of talent, gift or story to share.

Besides, the older I get the more I like people. I need help though, because I am very good at making a mess out of my life. I am also guilty of that "three steps forward, two steps back" syndrome. And a lot of times, I can't even claim a net gain of even one step. And when I am in this state of mind, I feel like I should force my wife to be AWAY and when I begin thinking that way, I think about all of the things that "I didn't do for her" and that someone else could do a much better job of caring for her. I have had numerous partners, each unique, but Julie is so perfect that I can't build up the nerve to push her away, because I love her.

And she knows that my life is complex because I make it that way, and also because I was born into a complex situation. I am a product of the circumstances surrounding my conception. And all of the women I have been involved with over the years, know that, and that is the very shaky ground upon which we try to build a future.

Clarity

Recently, a dear friend shared this bit of wisdom with me: "For you to have a good life, it is going to require that you allow the real, authentic you to show. The one that is hidden under the hurt, pain, and the fear of being abandoned; let that person out to shine, and to revel in the sun, and no longer hide in the darkness of fear and addiction". She also posed this question with respect to my former associates who could be viewed as toxic: "Are you willing to risk it all to act aloof and never acknowledge these people ever again? That is, to renounce ALL that you were, and recreate yourself with only positive affiliations?" When I heard this, I was blown away. While I read that letter, I was thinking only "yes, yes, yes!". However, I also have this burden of being rejected that I carry with me everyday of my life. Not a day goes by that I don't think about the relationship that I missed out on with my father because he rejected me. Then, when he seemed amenable to building a relationship, the Good Lord took him away. So here I am, having a father that the world heralded, and yet, I never got the chance to know him personally, or tell him how much I loved and admired him. That loss pains me everyday. And while terminating unhealthy relationships is the right thing to do, it still requires a form of rejection, and unfortunatley, I can empathize only too well.

So while some will say that "I need to come off of it, already", but during my existence here on earth, I have suffered and endured, just like many others; however, I still have a long road ahead of me, and I will prevail and triumph over what has stunted me and troubled me over the course of my life. I know it will take a serious and conscious effort, and yes, a lot of work on my part. But regardless, I do believe I have been blessed in many ways, and one way in particular, is that I have good friends in which to surround myself. They are very helpful, especially when I get in that "woe is me" mode and I focus only on the negative. They remind me that I am intelligent and charismatic, and that I am alive and I still have that little ray of hope in my heart and soul, and that my friends are there for me, and they love and support me.

And today, I went to my physician, and the doctor prescribed Prozac, I do battle depression and anger chronically, so I am going to try and see if my life and the way I process things changes at all by taking this anti-depressant. I really hope that this works because I have tried everything from women, to sex, to drugs to exercise; I have done it all, practically. And now, I really believe that God directed me to try medication as way to heal and battle the imbalance in my body, and perhaps I can also begin to think a little differently, and maybe, just maybe, see the world differently, as in a more balanced perception of things. I really pray that this works, because the way I have been living my life, definitely hasn't been working. And God gave me the free will to make choices, and now, I choose the path that I have never taken before. Please pray for me. I just want to feel, and feel good, finally.

Fear of abandonment

Well my last couple of days have different, yet similar in many ways. I really do appreciate good friends who don't sit idly by and not point out defects. In the multitude of "counselors" there is safety.

I was abandoned at birth by my father and my paternal family. The irony is that my father was abandoned by his biological mother when he was 4 years old. Maybe it is in the genes. Anyway, my mantra, for many years, has been "trust no one". I believe that is tied to my rejection by my father. So, I always have a "Plaln B", a stand-by, and I always have reservations about trusting the women that I ally myself.

During my first marriage, I always had another person to lean on or look to for (emotional) support. My wife and I split up after numerous arguments. One day, I dropped her off at work, where she worked with my grand-mother, and where my son attended school. She never returned home. Instead, she got a ride from my grand-mother to her mother's house, gave a 30-day notice to our landlord and left me, in what she thought, was a bind.

At this time, I was attending Sacramento City College and unbeknownst to her, I had a classmate with whom I ate with and just generally hung-out with. So this was my "Plan B". I moved my stuff into storage and moved right in with Cassandra. I was always prepared to be abandoned. I've felt abandoned my entire life and I H-A-T-E it. Being abandoned really informs your view of the world and in reaction, I believe, I have employed some very unhealthy coping strategies. I also maintain that I was born innocent and vulnerable and yet, was abandoned without cause. I really believe that has shaped the person I have become.

I am not making excuses either. I am 38 years old and just beginning to figure who I am and why I am the way that I am. I know there are things that have changed, must change and will change. Other issues are to be analyzed and through the process of intelligent deduction one can conclude how certain learned behaviors were acquired and perhaps how I can reinvent my life and maybe share a little of the wisdom as I acquire it along the way.

Choices, and more choices

What was fate and what was my choice? I will probably never really know the answer to that. But I do believe this: my choices and the lunacy of some of these choices are a direct result of my childhood. If I had proper counseling in my formative years, had a loving relationship with my father, and the acceptance of my paternal family, I wouldn't be at this crossroads right now.

My God! It takes 2 weeks for my mail to reach me and when I am here, I am caged up like I am extremely dangerous. I have been coined a "violent criminal", and yet, I don't have any convictions for violent activities. I get so angry that it isn't healthy, but then reality creeps in: whatever prompted me to do the things that got me here, were my...choice. And, there isn't any such thing as rehabilitation in the criminal justice system anymore, so locking me up and condemning me to the "hole" for my incarceration, just sets me back even more.

All I crave now is to enjoy life, love, wealth and respect. And when I leave this time, I plan on making the "right" choices so that all of this comes to fruition. So, I "Thank God" for second chances, my lovely wife-to-be, as well as my loving family and friends.

Rehabilitation?!?!

Today I found out that my psychiatrist has been re-assigned. There is absolutely no continuity here and I really believe that criminal justice system is not concerned with rehabilitation, but rather, just housing society's rejects. I do understand that it is my fault that I am here; however, those in charge of the system should believe they have a stake in the health of society, rather than perpetuating their jobs and their business.

And on top of that, the state takes 55% of all funds sent to me by family and friends to use at my discretion (to purchase the things that the prison system doesn't provide that I have to buy in the prison affiliated shop). And yet, I cannot get my dental care or my mental health attended to consistently. I have a partial (denture) and the state refuses to fix it. I am entitled to proper dental care but they always make an excuse about why they can deny me the requisite services.

Then, with respect to my mental health, they keep switching my meds and my psychiatrist. You really need to establish a bond with your mental health care provider because medication management is very difficult. So, you really need to be able to give and get timely feedback and have a practitioner that respects you and really listens to you. I had that, but now I have been assigned to someone else and that is very frustrating due to the sensitive nature of this treatment.

So my general inclination is "forget it". I'll manage on my own and get help from God and people who know and love me.

More mail!!!

Well, I got mail and the timing was perfect! My grandma came through and so did my fiancee. That is why she is my fiancee because she loves me as much as I love her. I cannot believe that I am back in prison again, and not only am I in hell, but I put all the women in my life through hell as well because of this. So I KNOW I am really blessed because there are people who continuously love and support me through all of this madness.

It is always the women who stand by me, and I really think that has something to do with the absence of my paternal family, and that my biological father basically abandoned and shunned me during his lifetime. Yes, that is another issue to work out; the list just keeps growing, doesn't it?

But regardless, today is a good day. It took my fiancee's letter 14 days to reach me, and my grandmother's letter spent 10 days sitting here at DVI (they both live in Sacramento and it takes 2 -3 days from there) because of prison overcrowding, but both letters finally made it. Yeah, I'll concede that this is hell on earth, but I am here because of me, and no one else. And that's just crazy.

Mail!!!

Well, I have received mail for two days in a row now. And while I feel much better, some of the mail if full of anger, spite and guile, and the tone of the letters detracts from the elation I felt after finally receiving much needed communication from the outside. However, when a man makes the kind of mistakes that I have, I have to be ready to "man-up" and receive and accept all that comes at me. Right now, I am dealing with a very upset woman and she let's me have it raw and uncut. Her love and loyalty are not in question, but I also know that when a woman is fed up "WATCH OUT". To put it more crudely "the poop will do a loop and then hit the fan". So I have some real issues to deal with and I REALLY NEED to start owning my behavior, and I have been continuously reminded of that, even in here.

Keep in touch, everyone! I look forward to your letters and your comments.

You can write me:

Mike Brown #P69851
PO Box 600 - DVI - L119
Tracy, CA 95378

My ongoing dilemma

All I want is someone to call my own and who I can trust completely. Unfortunately, in most of my relationships, both my partner and I have been guilty of infidelity. For whatever reason, I am unable to trust and believe the women that I have been involved with or even the women that I ended up marrying.

And I guess I don't really understand women as I would like, and to be quite honest, I am just now starting to understand myself after all of these years. I know that I am blessed and that things will brighten up in my life since I know God is with me everywhere I go. And by the same token, I am also told that "everywhere I go, there I am". I take that to mean that I cannot escape me and the problems in my life, no matter where I am, that is, with respect to my physical location whether it is at home or in prison.

I guess the inference is also that I am to blame for the ills of my life. I take that to that mean that I have to take responsibility for my faults, shortcomings, failures etc. and the only person that can fix all of these is me, and by extension that means I am the only one that can fix "me" as well. And while I agree that only I can fix my ills, I also believe that I am not the only one at fault here. I will own up to shortcomings, and while right now I seem to doing fairly well, I do have to credit that to the absence of toxic people in my life and the fact that I also have a lot of support from family and friends. However, deep inside, I feel like I am still missing something.

Perhaps my problem is that I am looking outside of myself, specifically to other women, to do something for me, and that maybe it is only meant for God to fill that void. However, I do believe men and women were created for each other, and that they complemenet and complete each other. So I guess I have to figure out how to reconciile those two ideas in order for me to find whatever it is that I feel like I am missing.

Anyway, I am going crazy in this place that is because I am in the "hole". What that means is that I don't have any phone privileges, no television and no music. So I really have no idea what is going on in the "outside" world. And on top off all that, mail takes 2 weeks to be delivered once it reaches me at DVI, and so naturally I can't wait to get out of here, but in t that I cannot wait to get out of this place and REALLY live!

Missing everyone and everything

Well, today, has been one of those days: I miss being back out in society; being able to come and go as I please, and choosing those that I wish that I wish to associate. While there are those moments of brilliance that we all have and share, mostly society's castouts occupy these cells. That is, men without formal educations, those that are emotionally scarred, frustrated, angry and depressed. The highlight of my day is when the mail is delivered. As I have said before, mail generally takes 10 days to reach me, and that in itself is very frustrating.

And there are all types of people in here with all types of stories. While mine has a unique component because of my parentage, there still aren't any "Big I's" and little "U's". Just a lot of men waiting to get home to their loved ones, if they are that fortunate to be looking towards a release date.

I love my family and my fiancee, and I thank God that I have the inclination to change and people around me that love and support me.

Worry, worry, worry

I'm a worry worm and I worry about a lot of things. For instance, I worry about my mom, my grandpartents and my fiancee dying. I constantly worry about my son, and I even worry about my little brother (James, Jr) and sister (Rissa). I cannot imagine life without my mom, Boo-Boo, Big Daddy, or my fiancee, Julie. I left her in a very precarious situation when I went back to prison. She's been left in financial jeopardy because of my drug-use before I returned to prison and now, because she continues to support me while I am in prison. She sends me money to put on my "books", had paid for all of the collect calls, when I had phone privileges, and she sends stamps and envelopes, and yet, all the while she remains "homeless". And I worry constantly about her safety, because she hasn't been able to secure stable and safe living accommodations. And then, on top of that, the mail is so slow in prison because there are 4,000 pieces of mail dropped daily, and it takes 7 - 10 days for mail to reach me from Sacramento. So timely communication is totally impossible.

However, while most of her letters update and cheer me, she does send "hate mail", as well. But that is to be expected. I have done so much against us; I concede to being the weak link in this relationship and others as well. I feel responsible for anything negative that happens to my son because I haven't always been the parent that maybe I should have been. But luckily for me, all those around me and who love me are resilient. Especially my fiancee, Julie.

Wives of prisoners have to be really dedicated and very patient. My wife-to-be perserveres, and I have faith that no matter what, she'll be fine. However, I would really appreciate it if you would keep us in your prayers, because for some people life isn't easy, and there seems to be trial after trial and I seem to succumb more easily than she does. But I will not give up, as long as she doesn't. I envision us succeeding and achieving the "American Dream" - with some hard work first. Again, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

God bless!

Fidelity

Does fidelity really exist anywhere? I've been a skeptic since I learned what the word meant. Fidelity, or lack thereof, has been part of my romantic entanglements. But I have to claim my part in this as well. Becasue of my childhood I have a difficult time trusting and believing people, and also I have huge "fear of abandonment" issues as well. I make it very clear very early in most of my relationships that my paranoia rules my perception and that I am more than eager to jump ship the moment I suspect I have been "done wrong", and move on without a second thought about working it out. So no, I am not very good at the game either...

Most of previous wives or significant others were not faithful, save one. Her name was Maria and she was faithful 'til I ran her off. She had no choice to leave because my lifestyle and behavior contributed to an environment that wasn't suitable for children.

I desire a monogamous relationship and true fidelity; I just want someone to call my own, a true soulmate and companion. I hope I have found that in Julie. She is all I need, but I have to say if we fail to prevail, then I always have someone immediately to which to run.

Moving day within DVI

Today has been quite an eventful day, and a disturbing day. That is to say, more disturbing than usual. I've been moved to the exact cell I occupied until January 16th, 2007. If you recall, I went back into custody February 10, 2007, but before I was sent to DVI, I was housed in the county jail in Sacramento, and then the "Branch" in Elk Grove, CA.

You see I have a bad temper along with having a volatile personality, and I am also an addict, so yes, I am quite compulsive as well. That is why I have, unfortunately, returned so soon. My fiancee, didn't know whether to say I was a "boomerang", or maybe, more appropriately, I should have been known as a visitor, since I was back in jail after being released just 24 days earlier.

This time my cell mate is Italian and I think it is cool to share my "quarters", so to speak with someone of a different ethnicity. That seems to provide a measure of sanity, because nowadays, prison is weirder than usual, and when I am here I feel like an utter failure and retard, and unfortunately, I have acted the part as well.

Currently, I take meds to curb my anger but I am about to stop because the pills have the same effect as weed does. My appetite increases and I get absent-minded, and I don't feel like I am in control of my faculties. My mother and fiancee had both suggested that I need meds because of my obsessive-compulsive personality and because I suffer from depression and anxiety, as well.

I think my mood is more stable, but I feel physically off-balance and the heat seems to be a real problem as well. I know my fiancee will not be happy that I am stopping the meds, and I will probably end up recanting my total dismissal of meds because she calls most of the shots and while I wear the pants, she's the brain and I love her.

It's always Mom who saves the day.

Here at DVI, I meet some of the most gifted artists, profilic linguists and compassionate people. If you remember I am serving some "time" for violating my parole. But can you imagine? Most people probably wouldn't readily think that prison is where you would meet very talented individulas and people with hearts. However, somewhere along the line, something went wrong, terribly wrong in our lives and we ended up as criminals.

As a child, I never expected to be in prison as an adult. And I so wish that I knew then what I know now, but at the same time, I would never go back. You know why? Because that would mean I wouldn't know some of the people I know and have known. The activities in my life have permitted me to be in the right place at the right time where I have met some very special people.

There's especially one in particular, Julie, my fiancee. I have put her through hell, but she loves me like a wife and a mother, all in one. I'm very fortunate to have such a devoted, intelligent and passionate person as part of my life. My two previous wives, Toni and Mae respectively, and my long-time friends, Cindy, Maria and Dee, and my sisters, Rissa and Angel Girl, have influenced me by their love and support, and made me a better person. Even whether it was all those years ago, or now, I know I am a better person today for having known them.

But most of all, it's been my mom and Boo-Boo (maternal grandmother), who have loved me tirelessly. I am so thankful for all of these women. Thank goodness for their presence in my life without them I don't know how bad it could have gotten. I did have a positive influence to draw on in a lot of things. However, not having a dad denied me of knowing how to be a father and how to treat a lady, but I am working on it. Please pray for me, and all other men like me, and especially, pray for the women who have to deal with men like me.

Before I end today's blog, I'll say it again: Mom, Boo-Boo, Rissa and Julie, I love you and thank you!!! I am so grateful you are standing by me through all of this.

Love, Bakari/Michael

My dad, according to a pyschic, recants.

Wow, I had something strange happen recently. A counselor here at DVI, told me today that a pyschic contacted my dad and he said he was with Ray Charles. Well, according to this psychic, my dad reportedly said that he felt bad about hurting people. And of course, I'm like, "yeah right". I might have believed it, if it wasn't reported that he was with sitting there with Ray Charles. Doesn't that sound suspicious to you? A little too picture perfect, don't ya think? And on another note: Where was TUPAC?

Getting to know "me"

As I have said before, I've already been married twice, and my marriages have been, at the very least, tumultuous. My previous wives didn't appreciate the criminal life to which I exposed them, and my wife to be, doesn't want anything to do with anything that is criminal or drug-related. Thus far, I have chosen to marry women who were drug-free and had strong ethics and morals. However, I usually continue engaging in behaviors and a lifestyle that ultimately drove them away.

In other words, I am very well versed in the art of self-sabotage. It is probably because at some level, I don't believe that I deserve any better, and then I lose what was best in my life. Right now, I am engaged in a battle with myself because I love my woman, and the only person that can take her away is...me...and that is by driving her away. I have subjected her to things that no human being should ever experience and I have to learn how to undo these behaviors, and be sincere in my efforts, because I have been the "weak link" in our relationship. Now I know I have to remedy this if I wish for us to prevail.

And, yes, just like my father, I am a womanizer. I still don't understand women, like I would like to, but believe me, I know how to take advantage of them. Ironically, I seem to have a problem with trust, yet I know how to manipulate women into trusting me. So that is another issue on which I have to work. I am not sure how or why it started, but I have my suspicions. As I figure that out, I will share my incite with you. If, from what I shared thus far, you have any ideas or thoughts please feel free to forward them to me.

Someone recently shared some insight with me about one of the differences between men and women. Apparently, when a woman says, "I love you" it has a completely different meaning than when a man says utters the same sentiment. I am really taking that to heart and trying to learn how to integrate that knowledge and change how I interact with the woman I love romantically. But really, it probably just comes down to this: men and women see the world very differently.

On the positive side, I did have some really good male role models around me that knew how to treat the women they loved well. One is my grandfather, "Big Daddy", and his nickname kinda says it all. He always does his best to take care of those around him. Then, there is my half-sister's dad, Garvin, who is also my mom's husband. He has protected and provided for his family as well. Somewhere along the line, none of this appeared to rub off on me. I picked up on a message somewhere along the line that imparted this kernel of very warped wisdom: use women for all they are worth, and when I have taken everything I can from them not only includes their money and possessions, but their hearts and souls as well, it is time to move on to the next woman.

I think enduring the callousness I did from my father allowed me to be cruel, cold and mean, even to the people who loved me the most. I got the feeling that from birth I wasn't a "love" child, but a "hate child", and that the hate was congenital, so that I ended up perpetuating that hate. I will be the first to admit, that I will be damn sure to get even, if even I (wrongly) suspect I've been done wrong. As the adage goes "two wrongs don't make a right", but I have never seen it that way. Getting even has always been of paramount importance. I suppose because I felt powerless about the dynamic that existed between my father and I, that in my relationships to come, I kind of subconsciously had a map in my brain about how to treat people and followed those "directions" very well.

Now I am fortunate to have a woman who loves my crazy self. I've kind of surmised this, so far, anyway. I am just like my father: People like me, women love me and...I CANNOT STAND MYSELF.