I acquired these traits as I became entangled in the CYA at age 15 and I went on to "graduate" to CDCR where I was incarcerated as an adult. Being institutionalized at such a young age resulted in compromised social skills. Even while I was "free" as a youngster, I was already doing illegal drugs and the resultant effect hampered my ability to develop healthy social skills.
Let me explain something: When I began to do time in CYA and CDCR, I was introduced to a culture unique to these institutions. This society promoted rules which were rooted in either or both racism or gang affiliations. One of my first lessons was that Mexicans from Southern California and Whites were my enemies. For instance, there were unwritten rules like a white man couldn't smoke after me or take food from me because I was considered LESS THAN he was.
This was contrary to what I had experienced as I grew up. I was raised in a ethnically diverse middle-class community and a lot of my close childhood friends were white and mexican. My friends' relatives like moms, aunts and grand-parents were like my family. However, in order to survive, I had to adopt racist beliefs and manifest this demented belief system - talk about anti-social behavior...
For instance, I can remember sitting in a dining hall at a row that seated 4 men. And it worked this way: your place in line determined where you sat, not the "tacit, demented rules" we lived by in the rest of the institution. So you could end up at a table with people who were outside of your ethnicity. The way we were seated was determined by the institution's rules and we were seated in rows of four until the dining hall was filled. And the tacit rules dictated that if I didn't eat something off of my plate, I would throw it away or give it to another black man. In other instances, I can remember sitting at a table with 3 white men and not uttering even one word while I sat there. And I was stuck in that block of real estate until the staff announced "clear the row". It was regimented like that in order to mitigate the potential for violence and chaos.
So why did I sit there quietly? Because if a riot ensues, I am going to try and injure these men and vice-versa. Because of the rules and living like this for years, I had acquired anti-social personality traits. Prison life is not amenable to establishing real and authentic relationships because of racism, unpredictability and continuous re-assignment. We cannot be close to anyone in prison and unfortunately, that inability translates into real life outside of an institution's walls.
I have been afraid of getting really close to my family members because I am fearful they will die while I am incarcerated. So now I have to shake these perverse behavior patterns as I go through my transition into the parolee phase of institutional life. I confess I may need guidance in this endeavor.
Currently, I am what the youngstas call an O.G. and I am surrounded by men between the ages of 18 and 27 here at DVI. And unfortunately, I can see them adopting this anti-social behavior pattern as well. I try to point out that they are becoming institutionalized and to be aware of this phenomena, so they can avoid having the trials and travails that I have experienced while I have attempted to unlearn this behavior. Because I was conditioned to live in this environment, I am "officially" institutionalized, so I do exhibit a lot of anti-social patterns I adopted as a means of survival.
The conventional wisdom is that "knowing is half the battle". And now that I am honest with myself, I can see who I am and what I need to do to improve my quality of life.
Labels: Life on the inside
