Clarity

Recently, a dear friend shared this bit of wisdom with me: "For you to have a good life, it is going to require that you allow the real, authentic you to show. The one that is hidden under the hurt, pain, and the fear of being abandoned; let that person out to shine, and to revel in the sun, and no longer hide in the darkness of fear and addiction". She also posed this question with respect to my former associates who could be viewed as toxic: "Are you willing to risk it all to act aloof and never acknowledge these people ever again? That is, to renounce ALL that you were, and recreate yourself with only positive affiliations?" When I heard this, I was blown away. While I read that letter, I was thinking only "yes, yes, yes!". However, I also have this burden of being rejected that I carry with me everyday of my life. Not a day goes by that I don't think about the relationship that I missed out on with my father because he rejected me. Then, when he seemed amenable to building a relationship, the Good Lord took him away. So here I am, having a father that the world heralded, and yet, I never got the chance to know him personally, or tell him how much I loved and admired him. That loss pains me everyday. And while terminating unhealthy relationships is the right thing to do, it still requires a form of rejection, and unfortunatley, I can empathize only too well.

So while some will say that "I need to come off of it, already", but during my existence here on earth, I have suffered and endured, just like many others; however, I still have a long road ahead of me, and I will prevail and triumph over what has stunted me and troubled me over the course of my life. I know it will take a serious and conscious effort, and yes, a lot of work on my part. But regardless, I do believe I have been blessed in many ways, and one way in particular, is that I have good friends in which to surround myself. They are very helpful, especially when I get in that "woe is me" mode and I focus only on the negative. They remind me that I am intelligent and charismatic, and that I am alive and I still have that little ray of hope in my heart and soul, and that my friends are there for me, and they love and support me.

And today, I went to my physician, and the doctor prescribed Prozac, I do battle depression and anger chronically, so I am going to try and see if my life and the way I process things changes at all by taking this anti-depressant. I really hope that this works because I have tried everything from women, to sex, to drugs to exercise; I have done it all, practically. And now, I really believe that God directed me to try medication as way to heal and battle the imbalance in my body, and perhaps I can also begin to think a little differently, and maybe, just maybe, see the world differently, as in a more balanced perception of things. I really pray that this works, because the way I have been living my life, definitely hasn't been working. And God gave me the free will to make choices, and now, I choose the path that I have never taken before. Please pray for me. I just want to feel, and feel good, finally.