The Perils of Loyalty

Probably for the first time, I am being loyal and honest in my romantic life. There is tension associated with this prospect: For the most part, I am happy and it feels good; however, I am scared and along with this, I also feel very vulnerable.

It is ashame that a man of my age is struggling with the concept of loyalty. And now, I can truly say I love Julie and finally, she is seeing the real me apart from all the stupid and silly games.

I still battle daily with insecurity because this time I do not have a "back-burner" or a "Plan B". Yes, I have been a playa. I thought I was finding security by charming several different ladies and in my mind, I created this entourage that gave me an invisible ring of security. I would not allow myself to be vulnerable; I still fear heartbreak and abandonment. Creating that scenario was also a strongly indicative of co-dependent tendencies which still dictate some unhealthy manifestations. However, I refuse to resort back to the inauthentic way of life.

I would rather be vulnerable and to be in love and experience true love, companionship and intimacy. This is a new sensation for me because I have never truly experienced intimacy; I have always withheld all of me. And from what I understand, these traits, these predilections are a result of the lack of parenting and love from my father, James Brown.

I am fortunate that I finally see and I am attempting to understand these things now. I am finally getting to know myself and determining my place in the world.

After I return home, I plan on continuing to update my blog and my Facebook page. I believe there is someone out there who identifies with me and sees me as a friend and brother. If you are so inclined, until early Fall, you may write me at Mike Brown, P-69851, PO Box 600, #K146, Tracy, CA 95378-0600.

Action...

Part of my strategy to put my life in order means that I am preparing myself mentally while I am envisioning success. I am also taking practical action and collecting phone numbers from potential employers. I have successfully done the basics before and I understand what it requires. I need to have thick skin, truly believe in myself and have faith in God as well.

Obviously, I need income ASAP, so, first, I must secure employment. And along with that, I will need to structure my life around healthy people and activities; my goal is to be proud of myself and my endeavors. So many times before, I have taken the so-called easy road and all that does is envelope me in the life of addiction and hence, a lot of misery. I think I have finally had enough of the cycle of self-hatred and self destruction. I am vehement and emphatic about achieving success and I know this time I WILL hit the ground running.

Addiction

For those of you that know about addiction, you know it is an ugly cycle that drains the life out of the addict and addict's loved ones. Unfortunately, I became an addict at a young age. I blame it on the lack of love extended to me by my father; this significantly damaged my self-esteem. This produced great anxiety and pain and soon I sought escape from my feelings of hurt and rage. And at a relatively young age, I turned to alcohol and other drugs to squelch my misery. I thought this was cool; however my ability to manage my life had been compromised at that young age due to drug abuse. As an adult, I had no idea how to manage my feelings, my responsibilities, or even my own life. I never cultivated the skills to be responsible for myself and my choices and how I treat those around me.

Drugs became my god and of course that added to my shame and guilt. Even now, thinking about it makes me sick and I know that it will take years of therapy,groups and meetings to recover from my life of chaos characterized by drugs, sex and drama addiction.

Shame

Shame is defined as: a painful feeling of having lost the respect of others because of the improper behavior, incompetence, etc. of oneself or another.

I have an incredible amount of shame and I am now willing to bare my soul and explain why I feel this way. I have betrayed those who love me by lying and stealing from them, and then in my arrogance, expecting them to ignore what I had just done. Shame has often been the fuel for me for me to keep running...away from my family and attempting to run away from myself as well. I hate myself for the things I have done to in order to feed my habit. I have betrayed those that I love the most; I am describing sneaky selling, that is, going into purses of family members and my wife-to-be, Julie, basically, selling stuff that wasn't mine.

Years ago, in one disgusting instance, I sold my car, then my mother gave me the money to buy it back and I SMOKED IT UP! In other instances, I have stolen a lot of jewelry and other expensive objects from my family members and they finally, in their frustration, had to put locks on all the bedroom doors the house.

I have disappointed many and at the same time because of my guilt and shame, I have often wanted to die while I was running the streets. Do you know what keeps me going? God's obvious love for me, the love of my family and my wife to be, Julie. My family, Julie and even God never gave up on me.

When I was returned to custody in January, as I said in an earlier posting, I was suicidal and I secretly planned to end my life after I was sentenced to an expected 12 -25 years. Then a miracle happened and I was spared! I was given the lowest term possible and I knew it was God in His mercy. The break I had been extended made me realize that I must FINALLY grow-up, take charge of my life and my recovery and rehabilitation. It wasn't an easy decision, it took some time, Julie leaving me temporarily and some serious introspection but I got to a place where it finally sank in and I realized with some very hard work that I could own my past and finally being responsible for myself.

I intend to put as much effort and energy into this metamorphosis as I did securing the drugs so I could escape my reality. I have always been a hard-worker and all I am doing now is taking that negative ambition and channeling it into positive endeavors.

That doesn't change the fact that I still have excessive shame; however, I cannot blame anyone else for my mess and I take responsibility for my actions and I know that chose that reckless behavior. And I know that I also have the opportunity to take control of my life and turn things around. I look forward to a healthy life, a healthy marriage, to love myself and to become more aware of others in this world and cultivating the skill of empathy.

I am not going to worry about success, it will come. I know this because I know that God loves me and is his love propels me forward. So, I believe if doom was my destiny, that I would have reaped it already.

As I have done before, I want to say that "I love you" to Julie, Mom, Garvin, Rissa and my entire maternal family. I thank all of you for loving me when I didn't deserve to be loved.

Please Respond

Preface: you may learn more about Bakari's parentage in the very first blog published March 28,2007, titled "Michael Brown, son of the late James Brown, begins to set the record straight". And you may also locate information about the public battles between my father, James and my mother, Mary Florence Brown, on the internet. The paternity suit was in 1969 and the fight for child support was in 1983.

To all of you that I have written, please do respond to me. Let me thank you in advance for your time and it is my prayer that God bless you all!

Julie, thank you for you long-suffering and being a true partner and friend. Thank you for helping me with this blog, which allowed Johnny Edwards of the Augusta Chronicle, to learn about me and my existence and include me in "James Brown's Family Circle" article published on the first anniversary of Pop's death (December 25, 2007) in the Chronicle.

Julie, you are the love of my life! And once again, I implore all of you that I have contacted to reply to me. You may reach me via snail mail @ Mike Brown, P-69851, PO Box 600, K-146, Tracy, CA, 95378. And this Fall, you can reach me @ bakari9768@yahoo.com

Can I Get an Answer?

My questions are these: I have 13 brothers and sisters on record and a total of 15 of which I am aware. There are two more paternal siblings here in CA. So, why have I only heard from "Nicole", who resides in Canada? Nearly forty-one years have passed and only one of my siblings will reach out. How difficult is it to acknowledge your brother?

Initially, and as it turned out, forevermore, my father refused to acknowledge my existence and ever favor me with his love or presence. And now my siblings are perpetuating the same. I have been trying to figure this out since I was 7 years of age. What did I do to deserve this level of abandonment? Do any of you value family? Is it because I am in CA? Is it my criminal background? How can all of you be so ruthless? How am I different than any of you? Are all of you going to go to your graves stuck in the same stubbornness that dad did?

God

I believe that I, like so many others in this world, I have been blessed with God's favor and mercy. And his mercy endures forever. So, I landed back here because I violated Penal Code 69, where I resisted executive officers with force and violence. When I returned to CDCR's custody, I was defeated and depressed. I had secretly planned to end my own life once I was sentenced. I expected to get 9 - 16 years and I would be sent off to the "shu" security section of DVI. My housing locations dictates that I do not receive contact visits or phone calls. And when I am privileged to leave my area and go outside, I go into a cage that rivals a dog kennel. So I wasn't going to endure those restrictions and I wasn't going to sit around and see my loved ones die off one-by-one.

At first, it looked hopeless and I even refused to pray after I arrived here. My family and my parole officer, Agent Wilkinson, urged me to do so. I couldn't in light of what I was facing. Plus, Julie was alone again and distraught and this was all too much to bear.

Then a miracle happened: I was offered "low-term" and no "strikes". How could this be? I will still get home this year. Then I saw that God didn't give up on me, but rather, loved me in spite of me. Then it dawned on me: I cannot give up. How dare I give up when God hasn't given up on me!

Years ago, I used to hear "with the vision comes provision"; I have allowed myself to see my as God sees me and believes in me. Now, I believe I can be a responsible, mature, dependable man who also possesses the gift of empathy. God has shown me so much about me, however, I still get distracted. Christ is my Savior and example and my ultimate goal is to think like and see the world as He sees it.

God will supply all of my needs, He will bless us both Julie and me and I will express my gratitude forever through my actions as well as "RHEMA", which means spoken word. The only reason I am alive and have hope is because God is my father and friend and ALL of you are a part of His blessing me and I am so very grateful.

Talk Therapy

I have embraced a different philosophy these days and that is: I am utilizing the mental health services availed to me as part of my rehabilitation. And since I am sincere in my pursuit of balance and change, I really believe I am benefitting now.

It works this way: I talk with a psychologist for about 30 minutes per week. I am completely honest with her and she offers her professional perspective with respect to my travails. I really like and respect my doctor; she is older than my mother but I don't think of her as a mother. She is a doctor, who has extensively studied human behavior and she can offer me the perspective of a neutral party and right now, this is an immense help.

For many years, I discounted and dismissed counseling as a rehabilitative tool; however, these days, my perspective has changed. I really, really value it now. Julie and I have determined that couples counseling is a must. Actually, Julie wanted to explore that avenue 2 years ago, but I am now just mature and open enough to entertain that option.

So, yeah, I plan on staying in individual counseling after I am returned to "the real world". I am excited at the concept of manifesting a more evolved persona.

Mail

Prior to July 4th, I was receiving my mail regularly. However, for whatever reason, over the past 5 - 6 weeks my mail has been screened and delayed. I am very frustrated about this situation because mail is my only outlet to the real world. And now I have become very paranoid and I spend a lot of time obsessing over this issue. I have contacted many different people, programs, institutions and I have posed questions or searched for resources from them and I need their feedback ASAP.

And I maintain that delaying my mail 5 - 10 days once it reaches the institution is not conducive to my rehabilitation. I am chanting my mantra "Let Go and Let God" but I am under a great deal of pressure along with experiencing a huge sense of shame for as you can see the old obsession rearing its ugly head especially with respect to control. I cannot control my own incoming and outgoing mail.

I took all the measures that I could and I filed a complaint form and met with officials to also articulate my frustration. Following that, they forwarded me a document regarding mail protocol. It states that the institution has up to 7 days to deliver mail to inmates. I now know there is written policy, but I am still protesting that delay, since as stated above, it is my only connection to the outside world. And, in addition to social correspondence, I am also addressing several formal issues that will impact me upon my release, so I am working on business related matters, and I need to be able to take the steps necessary in a timely manner, so I can put my plans for my future in motion before I depart here.

Please accept apologies for my slow response time. Since, currently, it is not under my control.

Peace!

Anger

I believe a significant source of my anger issues revolve around the issue of my parentage. See, my biological father, James Brown, never appeared to want to see me or acknowledge me or even cared to love me. I try to think I am getting past the desire for pity, but the first memories of my pop's rejection occurred between 7 and 8 years of age, and once it dawned on me, I was deeply, deeply wounded. How was I supposed to feel? I kept asking, "what did I do wrong"? "How could this be"?

My mom was also deeply hurt and depressed by these circumstances. And my family, bless their hearts, compensated for this lack of recognition and love from my father by spoiling me rotten. And as time went on, I sought my own solace in the use and abuse of drugs and I also turned to another weapon in my arsenal and that was to become VERY ANGRY and to hold onto that anger with the zealousness of a self-righteous victim. This has been the dominant emotion for most of my life and has directed my behavior, which is not difficult to believe, if you know anything about the path my life has taken.

Unfortunately, Pop is dead and I miss him, but I have to continue on to aspire bigger and better things. And, I am very lucky to have good role models around me upon which to draw inspiration. My maternal family, all of my siblings, Julie, my son and even my ex-wives are independent and they all have overcome adversity in their lives and are doing quite well.

I know I possess this skill as well. It has just taken me over 40 years to get here. I feel like a newborn and I am embarking on a new world and I am lucky to have the opportunity to forge a different path for my life to take. It is never too late to try and do it differently and for me, that translates as...much better. I feel a little intimidated and a little overwhelmed, along with whole host of other emotions and I am not quite ready to comfortably articulate what I am feeling, but I am looking forward to manifesting a new work in progress, of which those around me can be proud.

Control

The irony of this issue of control is that I love to attempt to control everyone else, i.e. CA Dept. of Corrections, Julie, my immediate neighbors and even my family members, but throughout my life, it is quite evident that I have a exhibited a persistent lack of self-control. And I have a real issue of controlling my own temper, let alone anyone else, and when I am unable to force my will upon someone else that becomes a great issue of anxiety for me because subconsciously I believe the world revolves around me.

However, I guess recognizing this is an issue of paramount importance is a partial victory. I am working on correcting this and my real victory will be when I grasp the concept both intellectually and emotionally that the only person I can control is... me.