Fear of abandonment

Well my last couple of days have different, yet similar in many ways. I really do appreciate good friends who don't sit idly by and not point out defects. In the multitude of "counselors" there is safety.

I was abandoned at birth by my father and my paternal family. The irony is that my father was abandoned by his biological mother when he was 4 years old. Maybe it is in the genes. Anyway, my mantra, for many years, has been "trust no one". I believe that is tied to my rejection by my father. So, I always have a "Plaln B", a stand-by, and I always have reservations about trusting the women that I ally myself.

During my first marriage, I always had another person to lean on or look to for (emotional) support. My wife and I split up after numerous arguments. One day, I dropped her off at work, where she worked with my grand-mother, and where my son attended school. She never returned home. Instead, she got a ride from my grand-mother to her mother's house, gave a 30-day notice to our landlord and left me, in what she thought, was a bind.

At this time, I was attending Sacramento City College and unbeknownst to her, I had a classmate with whom I ate with and just generally hung-out with. So this was my "Plan B". I moved my stuff into storage and moved right in with Cassandra. I was always prepared to be abandoned. I've felt abandoned my entire life and I H-A-T-E it. Being abandoned really informs your view of the world and in reaction, I believe, I have employed some very unhealthy coping strategies. I also maintain that I was born innocent and vulnerable and yet, was abandoned without cause. I really believe that has shaped the person I have become.

I am not making excuses either. I am 38 years old and just beginning to figure who I am and why I am the way that I am. I know there are things that have changed, must change and will change. Other issues are to be analyzed and through the process of intelligent deduction one can conclude how certain learned behaviors were acquired and perhaps how I can reinvent my life and maybe share a little of the wisdom as I acquire it along the way.