My new family

My new family

Hi Jennifer and Ann!

I hope you have read my letter and you have been reassured that I love Julie. I am not perfect and we have had our share of tumult which is reflected in my blogs.

I hope to meet you soon, along with your mother, Colleen. Julie and I are planning on going back east when I come home next month. If nothing else, I will at least call you. All I really want you to know is that I love your big sister and I will treat her much better than Douglas did.

Life and Death

Life and Death

My family has 2 birthdays to celebrate this month. My baby sister, who is in IA attending graduate school turns 23 this month. And my grandfather is also celebrating a birthday. So I have a bit of conundrum before me. I am happy my sister is getting older and more mature, so I can worry about her less; however, the opposite is true for my grandparents, and my mother as well.

I cannot bear to imagine life without Boo-Boo, Big Daddy and Mom. I am not ready and never will be, and the prospect of being the elder of my maternal family is truly daunting. I am beginning to get slightly depressed as write this. I can remember wishing I would pass away before my most cherished members in my life. Selfish, yes. I still fear losing my family and I feel as vulnerable as hell in this area.

And I live in fear of death, not my death but the deaths of those who have made me, me. Boo-Boo and Big Daddy are my life. I have their names tattooed on both sides of my chest. They have spoiled me my entire life and have never told me “no”, never failed me or turned their backs on me! Julie even lived with them for awhile. No other woman outside of the blood family has ever slept in my my grandfather’s bed, but he gave up his own bed to accommodate her when she needed it! He did it for me, his grandson, Michael, and I truly respect him and love him dearly.

Boo-Boo is my “Big Mama” as us “Black Folk” say, and I must get it together for all of them. Mom has been my #1 friend, supporter, as well as my rival and critic at times. My mama is “Mom” but she is also like a big sister, too. My mom is gorgeous and ironically, I even look older than she does. However, she is upset with me. Her hands are tied and she is worn out.

Some of my guilt is assuaged because she had my baby sister. Marissa. She has done well all of her life and Marissa is reflection of my mom’s exemplary efforts. I am so glad she has someone of which to be proud.
I aspire to that, so she doesn’t have to be ashamed of me any longer.

My conception was a surprise to everyone. My father never wanted me and my mom wasn’t ready for me, and once again, I am going to be a surprise to everyone when I am released in around a month or two, since I haven’t revealed my actual release date.

But I can assure you that I will be out soon and I can’t wait to see my loved ones. So, God, please spare them for a long while, so we can reunite and enjoy each other.

The Book Saga continues...

The book saga continues…

Well, my feathers are still rifled that it took well over a month to finally receive my much anticipated self-help books. It took numerous appeals, several requests, multiple calls from my supporters in order for me to receive these. They sat around in a random room for nearly a month before DVI released the literature to me.

I was so stressed out over the whole ordeal and I had begun to get very negative with everybody. I was so overwrought I even sought the advice and solace of Dr.K, where I expressed my feelings of rage and frustration. I explained to her that I didn’t trust myself during that ordeal and felt like I was vulnerable and that I was feeling compromised and I was worried that would inappropriate action; in other words, do that something that may cause to be receive additional prison time.

I am really working on turning things around in my life and I know that being paroled from here harboring feelings of frustration and anger is definitely not a good first step as I re-integrate into society.

I am here because I have some personal demons to contend with, and I want this to be a place where I heal myself and slay my demons. And I don’t need any other reasons to grow bitter and angry, so I am so grateful and I thank God for the arrival of my books and my opportunity for salvation.

At school in Iowa

At school in IA

My sister is in Iowa now and she is working on her master’s degree. She is just like her father, Garvin, and our mom, Mary. I am very, very, proud of her.

I do not like it that she has gone all the way to Iowa to complete her post-secondary education, but it is better to be away at the University making the best of time, rather than being away in state prison where time is doing me.

I love you Rissa. Please write me soon! And as always, please be careful!

More on the Augusta Chronicle

More on the Augusta Chronicle

K, yes, it is true, I love attention. And recently a reporter, Mr. Johnny Edwards, contacted me from the Augusta Chronicle. However, I am wondering who informed this Chronicle writer about my blogspot. Did someone refer him to it? I NEVER wrote to him and told him about it. Wow! I am getting the attention I desired; however, I hope this is a good thing,

My deepest desires are to heal (from my biological father’s rejection), and find love and acceptance with my father’s family. And if anyone would like to share the same kinds of traumas that they may have experienced, please feel free to to contact me.

Oh and for all that don’t know, I will be 39 on September 7th. Please wish me a happy birthday!

To Whom It May Concern

To Whom It May Concern

I will respect the wishes from attorneys and family members and I will not disclose sensitive information. I, too, have no desire to be part of a media circus; however, I want to be recognized for I am.

So I will honor all agreements until deemed otherwise necessary. If you have any comments regarding this statement, please forward them to me via e-mail. You can also reach me directly at DVI, or @ Bakari9768@yahoo.com.

Reaching out...

Within the last month, the Brown family members (my sisters and brothers primarily in GA and SC) have received a letter from me. If even one of you responds to me via e-mail or snail mail, I will be ecstatic. But while I hate to admit it, I am also very fragile regarding any issues dealing with my paternal family and the recognition I have sought all my life from all of you (James Brown's family). I have always been torn-up about missing out on connecting with my now deceased father and my half-siblings from my biological father's side of the family. I am very intelligent and strong, but also simultaneously an emotional mess over my struggles to be acknowledged and recognized by my dad's family.

And those in my life, love me for me and most times, in spite of me. They know the rough side, the soft side, the crazy side and the sane side etc. When you consider what I have endured, my look reflects what I have been through. I will truly be whole soon and no longer feel like I am on the outside looking in on my own family.

Writing those letters took a lot out of me. I guess it has been God's plan for this to play out as it has. And I have looked to my Higher Power for the strength to cope.

Pllease write me or e-mail me @ Bakari9768@yahoo.com. Bakari is my preferred name, and I chose it because it means "Blessed".

Holla at me soon!

The obvious down side

Well, as I stated before, life ebbs and flows. Unfortunately, I have to report that right now I AM GOING CRAZY! This kind of existence is not normal, and obviously I miss my freedom, my future wife, my family, my friends and MY OWN LIFE. Some days I get extremely negative and I have to fight to stay positive.

Keep me in your thoughts! Thanks in advance for all of your positive energy. See ya soon!

Fortunate

Well, I am looking forward to Halloween candy, Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. I am fortunate to be hopeful, since many around me now cannot say that. My next door neighbor has a sentence of at least 58 years and cellmate has 14 more years to do. I really don't know how or why some of us get breaks while others do not.

While I have never gone out with premeditated intent to hurt anyone, because I usually end up hurting myself or those that I love and in turn, love me. However, when you take into account everything I have been exposed to and seen, I am truly "blessed".

I have had guns pulled on me, been in the vicinity of drive-by shootings and luckily, I have always been missed. I have owned and operated 5 motorcycles, and at the age of 16, I was rescued from the American River, and when I reflect on the fact that I have been fired at directly, I am amazed that I have survived, and survived without PHYSICAL injury.

I now condemn that all DRAMA AND DANGER to the past. I've got a lot to do once I am home, but it is all POSITIVE and PROGRESSIVE.

Pray for me and my success.

Life ebbs and flows

Since I have finally received the reading material I have been requesting from my fiancee and friends over the summer, I have been doing a lot of studying and reflection. My intense studies coupled with my solitary state have resulted in all of this material having a profound effect on me. I am especially fascinated with people's positive accomplishment and really infatuated with the conceptualization and creation of the Great Pyramids of Giza. I find all of this slightly intimidating, but I am up to the challenge of learning and studying and making a wonderfully positive contribution to this world in my own right.

But, really, this seems daunting because as most of us discover, the more we learn, the more that we learn that we do not know. But at least I am putting this time to good use; it seems that my downfall has served me well for a change.

The Augusta Chronicle

Today, I received a letter from a reporter, Mr. Johnny Edwards, of the Augusta Chronicle. Did you know that is the South's oldest newspaper? Well, I didn't, and he wishes to do a story on me. I am very honored to be included in their publication. I believe this is a time of healing for my paternal family and I. And, I, too, have learned of my new sibling, Ms. LaRhonda Petitt and I am ready to take my rightful place in this growing family. If you have been reading my blog, particularly the entry titled, "Protecting His Greatness", you will see that my anger has subsided and I am not out to slander anyone, especially any of the Brown family, of which I am proud to be as well.

So in order to honor that tenet, that commandment "Honor thy Mother and Father", there are things I will keep to myself. I have allowed negative forces to dominate my thoughts and my actions for most of my life and now I do not want to feed into that energy anymore.

All I want to do is hug and be loved by paternal siblings. I have other wants and needs as well, but those are not my primary motivation. So I am grateful to have a widespread audience and I thank each and everyone of you for hearing me and taking part in my healing.

God Bless!

Like Father, Like Son

I was surprised to learn that my 16 year-old son has already served time in juvey; ironically, the same facility I was committed to when I was 16 years of age.

It was my mother who just informed me of this fact. And my mother and I aren’t exactly on the best of terms at the moment. It seems my mom is pretty much through with me, or rather, my behavior. She is tired of me being incarcerated and she insists that I am too bright for this. I do agree to a degree, but until she has walked in my shoes, I don’t think that she can really judge, but I do agree, this cycle of behavior that results in incarceration has to stop.

I am very sad and frustrated that my son seems to be following the same course that I did. I feel like I am responsible because I may have failed in my role as a father. This is how I see it: When I married Toni, his mother, I was simply too young and irresponsible to understand what being married really meant. However, I vowed to marry any woman that bore my child. And add the fact that I didn’t have a father and a role model, so I really had no clue how to be a father, and truthfully, I still don’t.

I have looked to my grand-father as a role-model for what a Black Man should be: a provider, supporter, example and have a strong back-bone. However, I was influenced by another type of Black Man. This role model, was hardly that, but they had a huge influence over me, much to my chagrin.

This type of Black Man sees women as pieces of meat, a source of financial support, a tool for sexual exploitation and this man also runs the streets and fails to provide for his own. I love Hip-Hop and Rap and it is unique as well as a mathematical phenomenon, but a lot of Rap doesn’t provide a positive message and may actually conflict with mainstream society and their perception of a Black Man while also promoting questionable behavior amongst the men of our culture.

So as a result of conflicting messages conveyed to me by popular culture, I allowed myself to be influenced and I pursued some less than honorable routes in life, and unfortunately, I became part of the deadbeat dad syndrome. Regardless, I want the best for my son, and for now, it appears he has done a complete 180, and cleaned up his act and taking positive steps for both now and his future. I pray and pray that he remains steadfast and escapes the type of life that I have lived.

I know if I didn’t have the gentle precious woman in my life, along with my friends that I have had in my life to provide balance, I would be a hardened criminal.

Whether by choice or chance, I had to exist/survive in an environment that at any moment, could go from 0 – 100 MPH in seconds. I had to be ready for extreme violence at any moment and that wasn’t healthy for anyone. It had a lasting impact and I still experience the repercussions to this day. I suffer from depression, violent tendencies, addiction to legal and illegal drugs, mood instability, paranoia, the list goes on. I pray my son has really recognized that he is at the fork in the road, either choose self-control and success, or possibly be relegated to the other path: recurring incarceration. I know that road all too well. Please, Son, do what it takes to stay straight.

Blessed

My chosen name is Bakari Akile Moja; in Swahili, it means “Blessed Intelligent One”. And although my conception was accidental and my biological father refused to acknowledge me, and while I have felt like I was set-up for failure from Day 1, despite that, I really have been blessed time and time again.

I have encountered many set-backs time and time again and experienced incredible amounts of pain, but I choose to remain positive and see myself as blessed despite everything.

Almost all of us have had to overcome hardships and still, we prevail after living through horrendous circumstances at one time or another. Please, Julie, Mae, Mia, Cindy, Caitlin, Malcolm, Mom, Boo-Boo and Toni remember we are all extremely blessed.

Tattoo

I still subscribe to my philosophy of “Trust No One”, and as such, I have this mantra tattooed in an Asian language on my body. I believe that overall this reflects my experience with most people and that is why I hold on so relentlessly to this, characterized as very negative perspective, by my best friend. She claims that the first person I trust the least is myself. She is my best friend, and yet she has failed me, too. I cannot just abandon as “in love” or put a lot of trust in people, generally.

I have not surrendered completely to self-pity, because when asked “how am I doing?”, I generally reply “better than some and worse than others”. But I do maintain that I have been exposed to a lot of insensitive, and apparently rotten people, so I’ve come to fully embrace “trust no one” as a means of protection.

It seems most women that I have met don’t operate like that, and they leave themselves open to be hurt, and it seems 9 times out of 10, that is what happens. I have seen it happen too many times, especially since I know I have been the perpetrator more than a few times.

However, my friend continues to try to convince me to open up and trust, but I feel like I am being set up for failure. I have a hard time putting all my eggs in one basket, and most of the time, I have other irons in the fire.

My goal now is to love, live and enjoy America in peace, without having to worry about being set-up for a fall. I do struggle with trusting humanity because I have just seen too much. And this is how I view my circumstances currently: I am Black, tattooed, angry and a convicted felon. I have also been let-down, betrayed, intentionally neglected, so I guess “trust no one” remains my reality, much to my friend’s chagrin.

Broken Glasses

I’ve worked my magic yet again. Unfortunately, this is my propensity to break glasses. I generally break 2 pairs per year; I prefer wearing glasses to Lasik surgery, though. Glasses can reflect your personality or allow you to explore another or convey a different sense of yourself to the world.

I was lucky enough to have 2 pairs of glasses with me because my fiancée and I have the same prescription. Plus, she purchases all of her eyewear at a wonderful store in Midtown Sacramento. She also generally chooses very hip, very cool frames suitable for both genders; hence we share our eyewear. And yes, she has come to my rescue once again. She assures me she has sent me yet another pair of her own glasses for me, so that I have a back-up pair and I am not “left in the dark”, so to speak. Thanks Julie!