For Eliase

Hi Everyone,

Michael wrote a blog to his son, Eliase, two weeks ago or so and I still haven't published it yet. Sorry for the delay; I am in the middle of moving and other endeavors, so I apologize. I will try and post it tomorrow. I hope it is well received, but then again, I haven't experienced Bakari for the last 18 or 19 years as his son has.

However, what is done, is done and I think he has regrets, but I will let his words speak for themselves.

Sincerely,

Julie

Sisters - This was drafted 3 or 4 weeks ago

Recently, I made contact with 3 of my sisters who also share James Brown's bloodline. I actually made contact with a fourth sister as well. I prayed for years to make connections with my dad's side of the family, We have had some disagreements and I was shut out by two of my sisters.

But I got some good news in the last couple of weeks; my sister in Texas reached out to Julie and indicated that she will be contacting me very soon. I am looking forward to hearing from her. It is so sad that we are spread out across North America and all we can do is phone and e-mail. And now, because of my living situation, I cannot even do that much.

I (Julie) am sorry if Michael/Bakari comes off as brusque, but he has sort of been disillusioned about your relationships. I think he had some sort of fairy-tale happening and everyone was going to "live happily ever after". He didn't realize family dynamics are complicated and the greater number of members, the more complicated. He has one sister here in Sacramento and I think he was 15 when his sister was born. So basically, for all intents and purposes, he was an only child.

As a caveat: He is receiving treatment for his bio-chemical imbalance and that has helped a lot, and he is staying away from the cocaine. So his demeanor, his presentation, his concentration, his overall communication/interpersonal skills seemed to have improved. My point is: your interactions with him shouldn't be nearly as volatile as they were when he was out and using.

I (Mike) am about ready to give up on the James Brown stuff; he's dead and so is my dream of ever having a father-son relationship. But I guess it was true "Papa was a rolling stone"...you know the rest all he left was alone. If any of my sibs read this, please reach out so we can connect. I don't want my life to rival my father's; I want to build relationships and become close and stay close! I am pleading with you: please, don't identify with the aggressor who was our dad!

Mailing Address:

Mike Brown x-1211819
Sac Main, 8W 2 03A
651 "I" St.
Sacramento, CA 95814

To My Son, Elias

As of now, I don't have any other means of reaching out to my son.

Elias, if you are reading this, first I want to apologize, and yes, I know, this falls short for all of years I was gone and haven't been a father to you. However, you have to start somewhere. I really regret calling you nasty names and arguing with you, but that is where my immaturity reared its ugly head. You hurt my feelings and I lashed out and that is no excuse. I was the adult and I certainly didn't act like it; I acted like a child and for that, I am truly, truly, sorry.

There are no excuses for my behavior, but I can attempt to explain and hope you are amenable to "hearing" me this time. My father never extended himself to me at all, so I am trying to be a better person than he was.

Anyway, you know I've been in jails, prisons, institutions etc. for most of your life and mine. I have grown accustomed to enforced structure and although, I have matured physically, but not yet mentally. And so far, as my prison record demonstrates, I have failed miserably at being responsible for myself.

And while I was out in December and January, I finally started putting some order to my life, motivating myself and aspiring to more than I have exhibited during most of my life. I attempted to reach out and re-connect with you; however, your mother is very protective of you and still very angry with me and she took the liberty to speak on your behalf and I know your grand-mother (Mary) concurred that you did not wish to make contact with me. That saddens me; but we need to start somewhere and I hope you are open to that idea.

I cannot force you to do anything and all I can do is let you know if and when you ever get ready, I am willing to start communicating and creating some sort of amicable relationship. I just wanted you to know that I open to any positive overtures you extend and I have prayed that conflict your mother and I are engaged in, isn't preventing you from contacting me. I hope to hear from you soon and you are welcome to visit anytime. I love and miss you; I hope we can come to an understanding and create a father-son relationship.

"You are not your experiences. You are greater" Dr. Gary Simmons

There is so much more to me than being James Brown's son. Being a part of a very loving and warm family, as well as having someone like Julie, whom is so patient so with me and forgiving me for most of my outrageous behavior. I think that trumps fame and notoriety.

I'm almost 42 years of age and my fame from being "The Son of the Godfather of Soul" is gone. Some know me as the same ole Michael Brown, and others know me by my Swahili name, "Bakari".

The truth of the matter is that I have not been a very nice person. I do not think I have ever gotten over the fact that my father rejected me and hurt me very deeply, and I in turn, have also hurt others deeply. I have a lot of regrets and I have really tried to make amends to those whom I have wronged.

I have to unlearn a lot of behaviors, which seem like, some very ingrained and what is quote, unquote" normal behavior" for me. Thankfully, there is a lot of research going on about brain mapping and I have the capacity to exercise free-will and "re-map" my brain. My distorted outlook, my perverse perspective and my self-centered behavior still rears its ugly head a lot. The good news is I can re-train my brain. I have to be open and truly willing and my attempt at change needs to be authentic and genuine.

However, sometimes, I end up getting frustrated and repeating the same selfish behavior that initially leads to my downfall and then, I end up right back here and mourn my perceived failure. However, just because I am "41" doesn't doom me to anything. If I apply myself and legitimately pursue change, I can learn or unlearn certain behavior patterns. And I pray, if I am separated from my loved ones yet again, it will be in an environment amenable to true rehabilitation and behavior modification, so I can be a better person rather than just angry and resentful after being subjected to solitary confinement for months on end, which affect my interpersonal and coping skills. I know I will be challenged to maintain my persistence to do what is difficult, as in changing my life and being an asset to society. It won't be easy; however, this will be a test of perseverance and tenacity. And if I can demonstrate/maintain these skills and persevere and not to automatically retreat to that which I know and for which I am comfortable, then, that in and of itself, will be the first in a long string of victories.

Apology

I have made some poor choices throughout my life and for those that affected others, I am ashamed and remorseful. And, unfortunately, that implies that I have violated humanity and some of the people that I have encountered were unintentionally affected by my tirades, psychosis and drug addiction.

And, sometimes, upon reflection, I start to empathize with those and I actually feel physical pain, that is, if the wind had just been knocked out of me. I cannot believe that I may have inflicted that degree of havoc on those that I love, friends or those may have crossed my path.

I have come across people who did not know me as Michael Brown, James Brown's son or as Bakari. Rather, they encountered someone with serious mental health issues, a very sick, miserable and desperate person. However, my family and Julie have been influenced the most and may have suffered the most and I have to take responsibility and admit how deeply I regret violating all of you.

I cannot make excuses or play the victim myself because the damage has been done and I will forever live with the reality of my impact on humanity as a whole. I can see my own reflection from the way I've impacted to those around me. I wholeheartedly apologize to those of you who that put your faith and trust in me, only to thumb my nose at you, and ignore my proclamations of change and insight and act very selfishly, without considering anything else but my own self-interest.

And I am especially remorseful for refusing to heed the advice/suggestions/strategies of those who were basically saying how unhealthy my choice was to continue to use drugs and deny how destructive they truly were. And all they were doing was just trying to get me to recognize what my real problem was, as in, cocaine. I turned a deaf ear to anything I heard for several reasons, but the most probable answer is pure denial on my part about how profoundly my life had become unbalanced, and as always, I didn't want to admit that I was out of control.

I want to apologize to my son, Michael Elias Brown, whom I have hurt deeply; I am so very sorry for acting so foolishly most of your life. Mom and Garvin, I apologize for betraying you and as well as my sister, Rissa, I apologize and I am very sincere because I know it was a reflection of my selfish actions.

And please, Julie, forgive me for being such a control freak and all the chaos that I have inflicted upon you and for disappointing you over and over again.

I also apologize to my paternal sisters, Nicole, Peaches and Jeanette because I let all of you down. At times, I was just downright mean to you as well. I hope you understand there were other forces at work when I responded that way.

And finally, I want to apologize to my grand-parents for failing them. I haven't really been a very good son or grand-son or role model for my son. I regret losing valuable time with all of you because I was in and out of jails and prisons. I apologize for all of the suffering that I have caused people.

Awakening and awareness

"I'm Waking Up"
(Richard Burdick)

I'm waking up to the power of my mind
I'm waking up to me
I'm waking up to the power of my mind

And in this power, I'm set free

Oh...life can be good.
Oh...life can be sweet.
Oh...life can be good.

And it is all up to me.


"May All Beings Know"

May all beings know love
May all beings know peace
No more pain
No more pain