My ongoing dilemma

All I want is someone to call my own and who I can trust completely. Unfortunately, in most of my relationships, both my partner and I have been guilty of infidelity. For whatever reason, I am unable to trust and believe the women that I have been involved with or even the women that I ended up marrying.

And I guess I don't really understand women as I would like, and to be quite honest, I am just now starting to understand myself after all of these years. I know that I am blessed and that things will brighten up in my life since I know God is with me everywhere I go. And by the same token, I am also told that "everywhere I go, there I am". I take that to mean that I cannot escape me and the problems in my life, no matter where I am, that is, with respect to my physical location whether it is at home or in prison.

I guess the inference is also that I am to blame for the ills of my life. I take that to that mean that I have to take responsibility for my faults, shortcomings, failures etc. and the only person that can fix all of these is me, and by extension that means I am the only one that can fix "me" as well. And while I agree that only I can fix my ills, I also believe that I am not the only one at fault here. I will own up to shortcomings, and while right now I seem to doing fairly well, I do have to credit that to the absence of toxic people in my life and the fact that I also have a lot of support from family and friends. However, deep inside, I feel like I am still missing something.

Perhaps my problem is that I am looking outside of myself, specifically to other women, to do something for me, and that maybe it is only meant for God to fill that void. However, I do believe men and women were created for each other, and that they complemenet and complete each other. So I guess I have to figure out how to reconciile those two ideas in order for me to find whatever it is that I feel like I am missing.

Anyway, I am going crazy in this place that is because I am in the "hole". What that means is that I don't have any phone privileges, no television and no music. So I really have no idea what is going on in the "outside" world. And on top off all that, mail takes 2 weeks to be delivered once it reaches me at DVI, and so naturally I can't wait to get out of here, but in t that I cannot wait to get out of this place and REALLY live!