Marriages

Well, I think this speaks to my circumstances as well. I am hugely co-dependent, and I don't really feel safe and secure unless I am in a romantic relationship, most or all of the time. I have been married twice already. My first wife, Toni, is Latina, and my second wife, Mae, is Black. And now, surprise, surprise, I am engaged to be married again. Julie is Caucasian, but what matters most, is that she is the love of my life and my best friend.

Julie is so much like my mother it is shocking. My relationships with women are practically a carbon copy of the way my father tended to interact with women. The older I get, the more I see him in me and I find it disoncerting. One of my "character defects" is that I get angry very easily (something I may have inherited from my father), and finally, that is something I am REALLY acknowledging and addressing.

Wish me luck!

Feel free to write me at DVI. I still have a few more months before I parole, so I would really enjoy it if you shared your thoughts and stories with me. This will really help me in my healing process as well.

Holla if ya hear me!

Michael Brown #P69851
PO Box 600 - DVI
Tracy, CA 95378 - 0600

Am I really "An Angry Black Man"?

I have been incarcerated a lot over the 38 years of my life. I think my anger has manifested itself in my violent behavior and in part, in my addictions as well. Doing time doesn't address any the issues that I just listed, especially here in California. And in large part that is due to overcrowded prisons, and also the logistics of inmate placement. So then the very violent criminals and those not fit for society are all housed together with people who are in jail for minor infractions and violations. It is a very volatile and counterproductive mix. Gee, and guess what? I would guess from my experience that there a lot of addicts as well, who aren't getting and kind of treatment. This dynamic spells disaster. Unfortunately, I have had more opportunities than I wanted to witness this situation, and it seems to be getting worse. I keep asking: "whatever happened to the idea of rehabilitation?"

And generally as a demographic, those of that are fit and will return to society, are not taught how to transistion successfully and become productive members of society. We aren't given adequate resources to remove ourselves from the people and places that may helped to contribute to our criminal behavior or addiction. For instance, a drug addict that is sent right back to the same living arrangements, toxic "associates" or neighborhood will, more than likely, revert to old behavior.

Everyone's demons are their own; however, one thing that addicts are told over and over again all through recovery: find healthy friends and don't go to those places where you will put your sobriety in jeopardy. That being said, the adage is that "you take you" wherever you go, and you can't escape yourself. However, if your path is rocky, staying away from those around you that will tempt you is the best strategy. But without resources and support for making the necessary changes, most often some of us become 'boomerangs". Out and right back in again. And some like me, in this particular instance, were just "visitors" to the outside. I was only out 24 days before I returned to jail for a parole violation.

This time I am trying different solutions, different strategies, to both manage the ordeal of prison life, and hopefully, utilize the structue and solititude to write and heal. What I was reflecting on when I sat down to write this, was how my paternal family has always treated me. I am tired of the blatant disregard and disdain my familly has shown me. So the time is now...To Set the Record Straight.

Starting to work it all out

Some days are up, some are down and some are middle of the road. Today, I talked to a psychologist and while she is very perceptive and competent, and yes, pretty, I feel like engaging in conversation or counseling is ultimately frivolous. And thus far, isn't helping me lasso in the "demons" that as an addict, I fight everyday. Right now, I feel like the best therapy is posting my thoughts and my struggles here on my blog. If my story or my circumstances resonate with you, please feel free to write me, and if possible, please include a self-addressed, stamped envelope along with your letters, and I'll be happy to write you as well.

Another thing I've been reflecting on are the relationships that I have had throughout my life and how volatile they have been. My fiancee, Julie, thinks a lot of my relationships are toxic, and I must agree, she is right; however, some of the healthier relationships I have are with women. I crave compassion and nurturing, and I have been known to throw tantrums, and it is women who most love and understand me and tolerate my behavior. I guess that is why most of my friends are women. And yes, as many women around me can attest to, I can be a big baby and I really enjoy being spoiled, as well as the center of attention.

I am also very close to the women in my family. But that's not to say that my anger and frustration hasn't negatively impacted my family members, the women who I have loved romantically, and the one I love romantically now. They have all been the brunt of my anger and cruelty at times. I suppose I am like my father in that respect as well. We love women, but we turn around and subject them to horrendous cruelty. I hope to God my son isn't like my father and I. Somewhere the madness has to stop. And as far as I am concerned, my mother is perfect, and my dad was foolish to treat her as badly as he did. And unfortunately, I'm sure my son feels the same way about me and his mother, as well as my second wife's son probably feels that way too.

I'm not going to let the "gem" that I have now, go. My mother once told me, "you don't love me". And I was like "huh?". She said "if you loved me, you wouldn't treat women as you do." That really resonated with me. Now another part of the journey begins: I'm working on "ME" and identifying my faults and seeking their origins. I want to get it right, from now on.

Wish me luck...

Being an unwated child of James Brown

I know I am not the only child who has been born out of wedlock, and I know I share this characteristic with millions of others, but where my situation may differ, is that the whole world may have known some aspect of this talented man, my father, James Brown, and yet, as his son, that is all I knew of him as well. We share the same genes and yet, his fans knows as much about him as I do.

Do you know how difficult it was to hear fans sing his praises for anything he undertook, and even forgive him when he made a misstep? But most of his fans never knew this man had another side to him, and this was the side I experienced. Someone who was full of hate and spite, and someone who ignored me throughout my entire life.

This dynamic engendered great feelings of resentment. I've spent my entire life confused, angry and depressed. I've even gone so far as to be suicidal, asking God why I was ever born, and just generally being angry at the world. I've been mad at my mother and the judicial system, just to name a few. In short, I have blamed everyone else for my misery.

I've had a number of felony convictions, and I can say in all honesty, that my criminal history is a product of anger and depression. My early use of alcohol, tobacco and drugs were acts of REBELLION. I spent the vast majority of my 38 years on earth seeking acceptance, love and a purpose for existing. And usually, when I have been lucky enough to find unconditional love throughout my life, I've sabotaged it, over and over again. I guess that unconsciously I feel unworthy of love.

Now I feel healing coming about as I share my innermost conflicts and emotions. And on Christmas Day, I lost a father I had never known, and I grieve because of that, and I continue to grieve because my siblings, Venisha, Deanna, Yamma, Daryl, Terry and Larry still refuse to acknowledge my existence, or to recognize that we all share the same father, the same bond and to accept me to be part of James Brown's family. And all I keep asking is, "Why?" But it is my turn now. The world will know me and know what it is like to be James Brown's son.

As I stated in earlier blogs, I am currently incarerated in CA. However, in addition to your comments here, all personal letters are welcomed and I will respond promptly. I will be released from custody later this summer, 'til then, you may write me at:

Mike Brown #P69851
PO Box 600 - DVI
Tracy, CA 95378-0600

My disappointment...over and over again

What I have to realize is that writing and talking about my experience is therapeutic. I'm currently incarcerated for a few months because of an outburst of rage that took place in a public setting. During the incident the police were summoned and I was subsequently taken into custody. My behavior was totally unacceptable, and I am truly remorseful.

While I cannot blame my father for that specific incident, I do believe his denial of my existence, along with the feelings of betrayal, neglect and rejection has rendered me, at times, unstable, volatile and an irresponsible mess.

This is kind of my take on things now: I have been a close companion to anger for as long as I can remember. Everytime I would hear my father on the radio or see my father on television, I would either get angry or so sad, that I would cry. I was denied direct access to my father time and time again. When I did try to contact him, I had to do so through "James Brown Enterprises", and then I would be treated with disrespect and denied any kind of direct access.

When I called to notify my father about the birth of my son, Michael "Eliase" Brown, in 1991, again, I was re-directed to another office and I was told to contact his attorney. I made additional attempts in 1995, 1997 and 1999, and even after I identified myself to the staff, I was always disregarded as just another crazed fan.

In 1997, I wrote to my sister, Deanna, at her radio station, and I included photos for my father and his side of the family. and while the photos were never returned, I was also denied any acknowledgement that she or my family had received any correspondence from me, one of the family, too, However, I was never treated like a member of the James Brown family, and while it spliced my heart in two to be ignored; I can't say I was surprised. By that time, I had come to expect that kind of treatment.

In 1999, I made another attempt to contact with my father. This time it was through a gentleman, Lee Govan, Jr., of Del Paso Heights, CA. When contacted by Mr. Govan, my father stated, "he ain't no kin of mine". What a blow. That was incredibly devastating to me and that kind of rejection has had a lasting effect on me. I have suffered from both bouts of depression, along with harboring a lot of anger, rage and frustration throughout my life.

And all of this has shaped my life...

Intentional neglect by your biological parent

My experience may parallel that of many children, and my heart aches for all those that have experienced the same phenomenon in their lives. I have made a lot of choices in my life, both good and bad, but the one I didn't choose was to be born into the world where my own father disavowed my existence, and went so far as to outrightedly ignore me. And while I am 38 years old, I am sure there are others that still feel this pain, even as adults.

I encourage you to share your thoughts; unfortunately, in this case, there may be comfort in numbers, and I want to know I am not alone, and neither are you.

If you feel so compelled, please write me directly:

Michael Brown #P69851
PO Box 600 - DVI
Tracy, CA 95378-0600

Michael Brown, son of the late James Brown, begins to set the record straight

As Michael Deon Brown, lifelong resident of Sacramento, and son to Mary Florence Brown and late, great, self-appointed "Godfather of Soul", James Brown, I am contesting the assertion that James Brown, had only 6 (six) living children. My father challenged and denied my paternity, but ultimately the truth prevailed.

Despite the battles that would be waged later over my paternity, I believe I had a blessed beginning, I was conceived on my beloved Boo-Boo's (my maternal grandmother) birthday: January 3, 1968. I was born in September, 1968, to Mary Florence Brown, Sacramento, CA, and the late, James Brown. From the time I was old enough to know who my father was, I (Michael Deon Brown) worshipped and idolized this man, and I was very proud to be James Brown's son.

And while this man, a man who liked to assign honors to himself, the one honor he cannot bestow upon himself, is that of loving and responsible father to ALL of his children.

I am familiar with another James Brown, the one unknown to the world, a man full of contradictions, and like most artists, possessed an enigmatic personality; however, being an enigma allowed him to share his talent and bring joy to millions, but I, as one of his own children, missed out that "James Brown". I never personally experienced the joy this man shared with the world. As one of his own children, an honor James Brown repeatedly attempted to deny me, I can only attest to the hate and spite that also existed in James Brown's life.

When my dear mother (Mary F. Brown) and loyal devotee to my father, she was after all, founder and president of Sacramento's chapter of the James Brown Fan Club, challenged James Brown in court, to prove my paternity, he waged a war to end all wars, in order to disavow my existence as one of his own, his child, his heir.

When challenged again in 1983, he again attempted to deny my existence, but in the end plead "No Contest".

However, his consistent denial has subjected me to life as the "bastard" child of James Brown, he ruined the life of his own seed by depriving me of love and respect, as well as being a member of my own family.

The record should be set straight. Through all of this, I have never known the great man as heralded to the world. He was an excellent musician and freely gave of his talents, and he has even been praised for for feeding the poor, yet he has denied me, his own flesh and blood, and in his death, he continues to deny me, Michael Deon Brown, by stating he had only 6 (six) living children.

You can verify my contention that I am James Brown's son, by accessing the internet and searching for both James Brown and my mother, Mary Florence Brown, and the court cases filed here in Sacramento with respect to my paternity, which were decided in 1969 and 1983, respectively.

Please feel free to comment here and share your thoughts, or you may write me directly:

Michael Brown #P69851
PO Box 600-DVI
Tracy, CA 95378-0600