Getting to know "me"

As I have said before, I've already been married twice, and my marriages have been, at the very least, tumultuous. My previous wives didn't appreciate the criminal life to which I exposed them, and my wife to be, doesn't want anything to do with anything that is criminal or drug-related. Thus far, I have chosen to marry women who were drug-free and had strong ethics and morals. However, I usually continue engaging in behaviors and a lifestyle that ultimately drove them away.

In other words, I am very well versed in the art of self-sabotage. It is probably because at some level, I don't believe that I deserve any better, and then I lose what was best in my life. Right now, I am engaged in a battle with myself because I love my woman, and the only person that can take her away is...me...and that is by driving her away. I have subjected her to things that no human being should ever experience and I have to learn how to undo these behaviors, and be sincere in my efforts, because I have been the "weak link" in our relationship. Now I know I have to remedy this if I wish for us to prevail.

And, yes, just like my father, I am a womanizer. I still don't understand women, like I would like to, but believe me, I know how to take advantage of them. Ironically, I seem to have a problem with trust, yet I know how to manipulate women into trusting me. So that is another issue on which I have to work. I am not sure how or why it started, but I have my suspicions. As I figure that out, I will share my incite with you. If, from what I shared thus far, you have any ideas or thoughts please feel free to forward them to me.

Someone recently shared some insight with me about one of the differences between men and women. Apparently, when a woman says, "I love you" it has a completely different meaning than when a man says utters the same sentiment. I am really taking that to heart and trying to learn how to integrate that knowledge and change how I interact with the woman I love romantically. But really, it probably just comes down to this: men and women see the world very differently.

On the positive side, I did have some really good male role models around me that knew how to treat the women they loved well. One is my grandfather, "Big Daddy", and his nickname kinda says it all. He always does his best to take care of those around him. Then, there is my half-sister's dad, Garvin, who is also my mom's husband. He has protected and provided for his family as well. Somewhere along the line, none of this appeared to rub off on me. I picked up on a message somewhere along the line that imparted this kernel of very warped wisdom: use women for all they are worth, and when I have taken everything I can from them not only includes their money and possessions, but their hearts and souls as well, it is time to move on to the next woman.

I think enduring the callousness I did from my father allowed me to be cruel, cold and mean, even to the people who loved me the most. I got the feeling that from birth I wasn't a "love" child, but a "hate child", and that the hate was congenital, so that I ended up perpetuating that hate. I will be the first to admit, that I will be damn sure to get even, if even I (wrongly) suspect I've been done wrong. As the adage goes "two wrongs don't make a right", but I have never seen it that way. Getting even has always been of paramount importance. I suppose because I felt powerless about the dynamic that existed between my father and I, that in my relationships to come, I kind of subconsciously had a map in my brain about how to treat people and followed those "directions" very well.

Now I am fortunate to have a woman who loves my crazy self. I've kind of surmised this, so far, anyway. I am just like my father: People like me, women love me and...I CANNOT STAND MYSELF.