Shame

Shame is defined as: a painful feeling of having lost the respect of others because of the improper behavior, incompetence, etc. of oneself or another.

I have an incredible amount of shame and I am now willing to bare my soul and explain why I feel this way. I have betrayed those who love me by lying and stealing from them, and then in my arrogance, expecting them to ignore what I had just done. Shame has often been the fuel for me for me to keep running...away from my family and attempting to run away from myself as well. I hate myself for the things I have done to in order to feed my habit. I have betrayed those that I love the most; I am describing sneaky selling, that is, going into purses of family members and my wife-to-be, Julie, basically, selling stuff that wasn't mine.

Years ago, in one disgusting instance, I sold my car, then my mother gave me the money to buy it back and I SMOKED IT UP! In other instances, I have stolen a lot of jewelry and other expensive objects from my family members and they finally, in their frustration, had to put locks on all the bedroom doors the house.

I have disappointed many and at the same time because of my guilt and shame, I have often wanted to die while I was running the streets. Do you know what keeps me going? God's obvious love for me, the love of my family and my wife to be, Julie. My family, Julie and even God never gave up on me.

When I was returned to custody in January, as I said in an earlier posting, I was suicidal and I secretly planned to end my life after I was sentenced to an expected 12 -25 years. Then a miracle happened and I was spared! I was given the lowest term possible and I knew it was God in His mercy. The break I had been extended made me realize that I must FINALLY grow-up, take charge of my life and my recovery and rehabilitation. It wasn't an easy decision, it took some time, Julie leaving me temporarily and some serious introspection but I got to a place where it finally sank in and I realized with some very hard work that I could own my past and finally being responsible for myself.

I intend to put as much effort and energy into this metamorphosis as I did securing the drugs so I could escape my reality. I have always been a hard-worker and all I am doing now is taking that negative ambition and channeling it into positive endeavors.

That doesn't change the fact that I still have excessive shame; however, I cannot blame anyone else for my mess and I take responsibility for my actions and I know that chose that reckless behavior. And I know that I also have the opportunity to take control of my life and turn things around. I look forward to a healthy life, a healthy marriage, to love myself and to become more aware of others in this world and cultivating the skill of empathy.

I am not going to worry about success, it will come. I know this because I know that God loves me and is his love propels me forward. So, I believe if doom was my destiny, that I would have reaped it already.

As I have done before, I want to say that "I love you" to Julie, Mom, Garvin, Rissa and my entire maternal family. I thank all of you for loving me when I didn't deserve to be loved.