Life and Death

Life and Death

My family has 2 birthdays to celebrate this month. My baby sister, who is in IA attending graduate school turns 23 this month. And my grandfather is also celebrating a birthday. So I have a bit of conundrum before me. I am happy my sister is getting older and more mature, so I can worry about her less; however, the opposite is true for my grandparents, and my mother as well.

I cannot bear to imagine life without Boo-Boo, Big Daddy and Mom. I am not ready and never will be, and the prospect of being the elder of my maternal family is truly daunting. I am beginning to get slightly depressed as write this. I can remember wishing I would pass away before my most cherished members in my life. Selfish, yes. I still fear losing my family and I feel as vulnerable as hell in this area.

And I live in fear of death, not my death but the deaths of those who have made me, me. Boo-Boo and Big Daddy are my life. I have their names tattooed on both sides of my chest. They have spoiled me my entire life and have never told me “no”, never failed me or turned their backs on me! Julie even lived with them for awhile. No other woman outside of the blood family has ever slept in my my grandfather’s bed, but he gave up his own bed to accommodate her when she needed it! He did it for me, his grandson, Michael, and I truly respect him and love him dearly.

Boo-Boo is my “Big Mama” as us “Black Folk” say, and I must get it together for all of them. Mom has been my #1 friend, supporter, as well as my rival and critic at times. My mama is “Mom” but she is also like a big sister, too. My mom is gorgeous and ironically, I even look older than she does. However, she is upset with me. Her hands are tied and she is worn out.

Some of my guilt is assuaged because she had my baby sister. Marissa. She has done well all of her life and Marissa is reflection of my mom’s exemplary efforts. I am so glad she has someone of which to be proud.
I aspire to that, so she doesn’t have to be ashamed of me any longer.

My conception was a surprise to everyone. My father never wanted me and my mom wasn’t ready for me, and once again, I am going to be a surprise to everyone when I am released in around a month or two, since I haven’t revealed my actual release date.

But I can assure you that I will be out soon and I can’t wait to see my loved ones. So, God, please spare them for a long while, so we can reunite and enjoy each other.