Like Father, Like Son

I was surprised to learn that my 16 year-old son has already served time in juvey; ironically, the same facility I was committed to when I was 16 years of age.

It was my mother who just informed me of this fact. And my mother and I aren’t exactly on the best of terms at the moment. It seems my mom is pretty much through with me, or rather, my behavior. She is tired of me being incarcerated and she insists that I am too bright for this. I do agree to a degree, but until she has walked in my shoes, I don’t think that she can really judge, but I do agree, this cycle of behavior that results in incarceration has to stop.

I am very sad and frustrated that my son seems to be following the same course that I did. I feel like I am responsible because I may have failed in my role as a father. This is how I see it: When I married Toni, his mother, I was simply too young and irresponsible to understand what being married really meant. However, I vowed to marry any woman that bore my child. And add the fact that I didn’t have a father and a role model, so I really had no clue how to be a father, and truthfully, I still don’t.

I have looked to my grand-father as a role-model for what a Black Man should be: a provider, supporter, example and have a strong back-bone. However, I was influenced by another type of Black Man. This role model, was hardly that, but they had a huge influence over me, much to my chagrin.

This type of Black Man sees women as pieces of meat, a source of financial support, a tool for sexual exploitation and this man also runs the streets and fails to provide for his own. I love Hip-Hop and Rap and it is unique as well as a mathematical phenomenon, but a lot of Rap doesn’t provide a positive message and may actually conflict with mainstream society and their perception of a Black Man while also promoting questionable behavior amongst the men of our culture.

So as a result of conflicting messages conveyed to me by popular culture, I allowed myself to be influenced and I pursued some less than honorable routes in life, and unfortunately, I became part of the deadbeat dad syndrome. Regardless, I want the best for my son, and for now, it appears he has done a complete 180, and cleaned up his act and taking positive steps for both now and his future. I pray and pray that he remains steadfast and escapes the type of life that I have lived.

I know if I didn’t have the gentle precious woman in my life, along with my friends that I have had in my life to provide balance, I would be a hardened criminal.

Whether by choice or chance, I had to exist/survive in an environment that at any moment, could go from 0 – 100 MPH in seconds. I had to be ready for extreme violence at any moment and that wasn’t healthy for anyone. It had a lasting impact and I still experience the repercussions to this day. I suffer from depression, violent tendencies, addiction to legal and illegal drugs, mood instability, paranoia, the list goes on. I pray my son has really recognized that he is at the fork in the road, either choose self-control and success, or possibly be relegated to the other path: recurring incarceration. I know that road all too well. Please, Son, do what it takes to stay straight.