My disappointment...over and over again

What I have to realize is that writing and talking about my experience is therapeutic. I'm currently incarcerated for a few months because of an outburst of rage that took place in a public setting. During the incident the police were summoned and I was subsequently taken into custody. My behavior was totally unacceptable, and I am truly remorseful.

While I cannot blame my father for that specific incident, I do believe his denial of my existence, along with the feelings of betrayal, neglect and rejection has rendered me, at times, unstable, volatile and an irresponsible mess.

This is kind of my take on things now: I have been a close companion to anger for as long as I can remember. Everytime I would hear my father on the radio or see my father on television, I would either get angry or so sad, that I would cry. I was denied direct access to my father time and time again. When I did try to contact him, I had to do so through "James Brown Enterprises", and then I would be treated with disrespect and denied any kind of direct access.

When I called to notify my father about the birth of my son, Michael "Eliase" Brown, in 1991, again, I was re-directed to another office and I was told to contact his attorney. I made additional attempts in 1995, 1997 and 1999, and even after I identified myself to the staff, I was always disregarded as just another crazed fan.

In 1997, I wrote to my sister, Deanna, at her radio station, and I included photos for my father and his side of the family. and while the photos were never returned, I was also denied any acknowledgement that she or my family had received any correspondence from me, one of the family, too, However, I was never treated like a member of the James Brown family, and while it spliced my heart in two to be ignored; I can't say I was surprised. By that time, I had come to expect that kind of treatment.

In 1999, I made another attempt to contact with my father. This time it was through a gentleman, Lee Govan, Jr., of Del Paso Heights, CA. When contacted by Mr. Govan, my father stated, "he ain't no kin of mine". What a blow. That was incredibly devastating to me and that kind of rejection has had a lasting effect on me. I have suffered from both bouts of depression, along with harboring a lot of anger, rage and frustration throughout my life.

And all of this has shaped my life...