Starting to work it all out

Some days are up, some are down and some are middle of the road. Today, I talked to a psychologist and while she is very perceptive and competent, and yes, pretty, I feel like engaging in conversation or counseling is ultimately frivolous. And thus far, isn't helping me lasso in the "demons" that as an addict, I fight everyday. Right now, I feel like the best therapy is posting my thoughts and my struggles here on my blog. If my story or my circumstances resonate with you, please feel free to write me, and if possible, please include a self-addressed, stamped envelope along with your letters, and I'll be happy to write you as well.

Another thing I've been reflecting on are the relationships that I have had throughout my life and how volatile they have been. My fiancee, Julie, thinks a lot of my relationships are toxic, and I must agree, she is right; however, some of the healthier relationships I have are with women. I crave compassion and nurturing, and I have been known to throw tantrums, and it is women who most love and understand me and tolerate my behavior. I guess that is why most of my friends are women. And yes, as many women around me can attest to, I can be a big baby and I really enjoy being spoiled, as well as the center of attention.

I am also very close to the women in my family. But that's not to say that my anger and frustration hasn't negatively impacted my family members, the women who I have loved romantically, and the one I love romantically now. They have all been the brunt of my anger and cruelty at times. I suppose I am like my father in that respect as well. We love women, but we turn around and subject them to horrendous cruelty. I hope to God my son isn't like my father and I. Somewhere the madness has to stop. And as far as I am concerned, my mother is perfect, and my dad was foolish to treat her as badly as he did. And unfortunately, I'm sure my son feels the same way about me and his mother, as well as my second wife's son probably feels that way too.

I'm not going to let the "gem" that I have now, go. My mother once told me, "you don't love me". And I was like "huh?". She said "if you loved me, you wouldn't treat women as you do." That really resonated with me. Now another part of the journey begins: I'm working on "ME" and identifying my faults and seeking their origins. I want to get it right, from now on.

Wish me luck...