A Closed Mouth Never Gets Fed

IOW, this may still be pandering, gauche, in poor taste but in the day and age, ya gotta do what 'cha gotta do.

So, I guess in "media" terms, a "re-run".

I just passed a milestone on the 25th of this month. And like Bakari/Michael, I have my own issues to battle and I am really emotionally black and blue after this last year, but especially the last 3 or 4 months. I cannot believe how difficult this last year was and how it really took its toll on a lot of people.

Yeah, of course, it has been the economy but there has been so much other turmoil and tumult in my life. I desperately worked and worked to get Bakari either a reduced sentence or to lobby for his placement in a rehabilitation facility or a psych hospital. Yeah, I didn't get anywhere and I felt like such a failure when I couldn't positively impact the sentence that was imposed upon him.

I met him almost 5 years ago and as these years have played out, he has been challenged to stay out of jail or prison because of his addiction. And so far, it has been a losing battle, He always promises that it will be different this time, but he could be gone for quite awhile and we are talking years, not months.So now, it depends on how he conducts himself while in custody and that may impact how long he is incarcerated and if there are psych services availed to him and he takes full advantage.

I keep wanting to believe that he can change and he has the capacity to change, but only once he is honest about his own real problems/issues and displays a true desire to give up drugs and alcohol and executes a systematic plan and adheres to it. That is a very tall order for anyone, let alone all of the issues that Bakari is battling.

Anyway, just like everyone else, we are both hurting for funds. I found out I am not supposed to wear contacts anymore and I need glasses; I gave my newest pair to Bakari and I have been providing him eyewear from my eyewear collection basically since we met. So now, I do not have the funds for glasses. And of course, vanity weighs in and I may or may not be able to have intra-laser surgery (for the same reason I can't wear contacts) and that procedure is $2,400/eye if I qualify. My Mac Powerbook is 6 years old and to replace it with a MAC Notebook w/the equivalent technology (Powerbook was $2,500 6 years ago) will cost $4,500.

And I lost my prized "Toyota Celica" on my b-day, January 25th, 2007, due to an unpaid speeding ticket and Bakari's part was to be MASSIVELY JONESING and throw me out of the house in which we were squatting, yes God help me, squatting in and I was out driving around w/a suspended license (b/c I was evicted and off the grid) and didn't know it. They impounded my car and I never saw it again, b/c as usual any money he had he used to buy crack and he couldn't help me get it out of impound. My heart is still crushed about that.

And on my b-day last year he came into some money and instead of helping me out, he went out and bought a very large quantity of drugs for himself. I do not do any drugs and I am not guilty by association. Bakari was never allowed to do any of his dirt in front of me. I disapprove of any drugs (illicit or illegal) being used recreationally.

And finally, my mother is in an Alzheimer's unit in a nursing home in Iowa and I have not seen her since my father's funeral in 2005. And from what I gather she is miserable, but relatives are speculating that she is holding on 'til she sees me. I desperately want to see her, but again, the funds just aren't there.

So I guess you could call this post, a virtual pan-handling. I need funds and anyone that can spare anything, here I am. Or if you know of a grant or foundation, that would disburse funds for someone in my situation, I would appreciate it. Yeah, this request is on the side of pathetic, declasse, in other words, in very poor taste, but hey, I am desperate.

You can forward funds to this address:

Julie Swartzendruber
1809 "S" Street
Box 101-343
Sacramento, CA 95811

You can send funds to Bakari as well; however, the state takes one-half of it. So if you send $30, he only gets $15 put on his "books". I believe, but am not certain, that the other 50% goes to pay restitution he owes the state.

Everyone know that Michael/Bakari loves receiving mail. So feel free to write to him @:

Mike Brown, #P69851
DVI - PO Box 600 - K217
Tracy, CA 95378-0600

He could be relocated any day, so as soon as that happens I will post his new address. Thanks for your support.

PEACE!
Labels: Bakari, thank you for lending your forum

Julie's 2 Cents

Hi Everyone,

I just passed a milestone on the 25th of this month. And like Bakari/Michael, I have my own issues to battle and I am really emotionally black and blue after this last year, but especially the last 3 or 4 months. I cannot believe how difficult this last year was and how it really took its toll on a lot of people.

Yeah, of course, it has been the economy but there has been so much other turmoil and tumult in my life. I desperately worked and worked to get Bakari either a reduced sentence or to lobby for his placement in a rehabilitation facility or a psych hospital. Yeah, I didn't get anywhere and I felt like such a failure when I couldn't positively impact the sentence that was imposed upon him.

I met him almost 5 years ago and as these years have played out, he has been challenged to stay out of jail or prison because of his addiction. And so far, it has been a losing battle, He always promises that it will be different this time, but he could be gone for quite awhile and we are talking years, not months.So now, it depends on how he conducts himself while in custody and that may impact how long he is incarcerated and if there are psych services availed to him and he takes full advantage.

I keep wanting to believe that he can change and he has the capacity to change, but only once he is honest about his own real problems/issues and displays a true desire to give up drugs and alcohol and executes a systematic plan and adheres to it. That is a very tall order for anyone, let alone all of the issues that Bakari is battling.

Anyway, just like everyone else, we are both hurting for funds. I found out I am not supposed to wear contacts anymore and I need glasses; I gave my newest pair to Bakari and I have been providing him eyewear from my eyewear collection basically since we met. So now, I do not have the funds for glasses. And of course, vanity weighs in and I may or may not be able to have intra-laser surgery (for the same reason I can't wear contacts) and that procedure is $2,400/eye if I qualify. My Mac Powerbook is 6 years old and to replace it with a MAC Notebook w/the equivalent technology (Powerbook was $2,500 6 years ago) will cost $4,500.

And I lost my prized "Toyota Celica" on my b-day, January 25th, 2007, due to an unpaid speeding ticket and Bakari's part was to be MASSIVELY JONESING and throw me out of the house in which we were squatting, yes God help me, squatting in and I was out driving around w/a suspended license (b/c I was evicted and off the grid) and didn't know it. They impounded my car and I never saw it again, b/c as usual any money he had he used to buy crack and he couldn't help me get it out of impound. My heart is still crushed about that.

And on my b-day last year he came into some money and instead of helping me out, he went out and bought a very large quantity of drugs for himself. I do not do any drugs and I am not guilty by association. Bakari was never allowed to do any of his dirt in front of me. I disapprove of any drugs (illicit or illegal) being used recreationally.

And finally, my mother is in an Alzheimer's unit in a nursing home in Iowa and I have not seen her since my father's funeral in 2005. And from what I gather she is miserable, but relatives are speculating that she is holding on 'til she sees me. I desperately want to see her, but again, the funds just aren't there.

So I guess you could call this post, a virtual pan-handling. I need funds and anyone that can spare anything, here I am. Or if you know of a grant or foundation, that would disburse funds for someone in my situation, I would appreciate it. Yeah, this request is on the side of pathetic, declasse, in other words, in very poor taste, but hey, I am desperate.

You can forward funds to this address:

Julie Swartzendruber
1809 "S" Street
Box 101-343
Sacramento, CA 95811

You can send funds to Bakari as well; however, the state takes one-half of it. So if you send $30, he only gets $15 put on his "books". I believe, but am not certain, that the other 50% goes to pay restitution he owes the state.

Everyone know that Michael/Bakari loves receiving mail. So feel free to write to him @:

Mike Brown, #P69851
DVI - PO Box 600 - K217
Tracy, CA 95378-0600

He could be relocated any day, so as soon as that happens I will post his new address. Thanks for your support.

PEACE!

Pathetic Existence

I define my current circumstances as a "pathetic existence". I have so little control over anything and things that are routine and mundane in ordinary life are revered in here. And so I live day-by-day and look forward to mail, certain meals, the newspaper and specific members of the prison staff.

I feel like a savage beast at times and this is exactly where I belong. It is so ironic, in here I stand out as an intellectual but then I return home, and I am completely out-of-place. And prison isn't "prison" anymore; it is more like a state hospital and a gang playground.

When I reflect on the conduct that placed me here, I see a Divine or Karmic wisdom at work. Most of the time, I am furious and my body is showing the signs of the dis-EASE (reference: Louise L. Hay) that troubles my mind. I have gained 20 pounds and then almost daily, I also battle extreme emotions of hate and anger. (As an aside, I believe that environment would foster those emotions for anyone, but anyone who has many psychological and addiction "issues" and is a control-freak and has to exist in those "accommodations" {laughable term} would be seriously challenged almost everyday).

Anyway, Michael had to buy a picture of his father, James Brown, and also one of his sister, Deanna, and they hang on his wall. When he looks at his dad and he sees himself, it is a total trip. He wonders where he is and what kind of karma did he reap? Michael knows he did a lot for needy children, but he also neglected his own children, much like Michael.

Michael's goal is to become a "Buddha" and to become enlightened and able to cast aside all delusions and attachments.

Feel free to comment on any or all of this.

Everyone know that Michael/Bakari loves receiving mail. So feel free to write to him @:

Mike Brown, #P69851
DVI - PO Box 600 - K217
Tracy, CA 95378-0600

He could be relocated any day, so as soon as that happens I will post his new address. Thanks for your support.

Depression or reality?

I am at a point now where I feel like I have never truly experienced a conventional, stable, ordered life. I try not to let this realization wash over me because I feel empty and like I have missed out on quite a lot.

When these thoughts become overwhelming, I often wish I could pass on in my sleep and be set free. I am so sad when I reflect and realize that throughout my life that I have only known overwhelming depression and emptiness and then sadness sets in.

I am not wallowing in self-pity; I am aware of this now and I feel blessed that I know there are different ways that I can overcome this. It'll probably be therapy, support groups and psychotropic meds and it is both intimidating and empowering to know there are things that are ultimately within my control and if I am genuine in my pursuit I can facilitate change in my life.

Thanks to the Powers That Be!

Everyone know that Michael/Bakari loves receiving mail. So feel free to write to him @:

Mike Brown, #P69851
DVI - PO Box 600 - K217
Tracy, CA 95378-0600

He could be relocated any day, so as soon as that happens I will post his new address. Thanks for your support.

Challenges to my ability to concentrate

I constantly struggle with being easily distracted. However, I am not the exception in here; more than 50% of the prison population is ADHD as I am. And that disease may have contributed to reason some of us have been incarcerated. We are impulsive and compulsive and fail to think things all the way through and that means we do not grasp the ramifications of our actions as in, CONSEQUENCES!

So in here, I will start 5 different things at one time and unable to follow-through on even one task. I realize it will take different tools and strategies to navigate my life because of this disorder. But now I am open to understanding that I have may have to re-learn some life skills and perhaps treat this as a school project.

However, I keep reminding myself that "KNOWLEDGE IS POWER"!

Everyone know that Michael/Bakari loves receiving mail. So feel free to write to him @:

Mike Brown, #P69851
DVI - PO Box 600 - K217
Tracy, CA 95378-0600

He could be relocated any day, so as soon as that happens I will post his new address. Thanks for your support.

Soundness of mind

Really, I am not paranoid, but I know there are people in my environment that do not respect my intelligence and seem to think I am blind and deaf.

I stay open and share with the others around me because of my age and I am also part of the proletariat along with having a goal of personal change/evolution.

I am moody and sometimes all of this gets to me and I resort to outbursts of anger. I get tired of these dudes around me who bond in an unhealthy matter and then validate each other because they cannot survive in this restrictive and oppressive environment and are not up to facing it alone. Now, in the corporate world it is known as "group think" and while there is comfort in numbers and "no man is an island" you may want to learn to depend on yourself and use your God-given intelligence b/c you may have to depend solely on yourself in some unique situations that may present themselves here.

At this juncture in my life, I feel like I owe it to those around me to remain compassionate and mature, but I have to admit, there are times that I want to flash and verbally be-little a man to shatter his self-image...and that ain't good. Because I have finally realized it may be more about me than the other person and I cannot take frustration out on others.

I do finally realize that I have a choice to either keep my head up or to succumb to negativity.

Everyone know that Michael/Bakari loves receiving mail. So feel free to write to him @:

Mike Brown, #P69851
DVI - PO Box 600 - K217
Tracy, CA 95378-0600

He could be relocated any day, so as soon as that happens I will post his new address. Thanks for your support.

Visitation

Unfortunately Julie has not been able to visit yet and that hurts. However I know she has been dealing with a lot of issues herself, but I am confident in her staying power and our future. I just want to be able to see my "baby", look deep into her green eyes and listen to her talk.

Everyone know that Michael/Bakari loves receiving mail. So feel free to write to him @:

Mike Brown, #P69851
DVI - PO Box 600 - K217
Tracy, CA 95378-0600

He could be relocated any day, so as soon as that happens I will post his new address. Thanks for your support.

Trying to receive consistent treatment

I've completely stopped taking psych meds while I am at DVI. I cannot deal with the "withdrawal" that sets in because it is not dispensed as ordered by the doctor.

The worst scenario is when they suddenly stop delivering "Straterra". This has happened on several occasions and that left me physically off-balance, dropping stuff and actually, yes, falling. I will not allow these people to compromise me like that. I cannot depend on anything and that includes competent medical care.

Everyone know that Michael/Bakari loves receiving mail. So feel free to write to him @:

Mike Brown, #P69851
DVI - PO Box 600 - K217
Tracy, CA 95378-0600

He could be relocated any day, so as soon as that happens I will post his new address. Thanks for your support.

Vocals

Do you know what? People ask me to sing all the time. And of course, you know their first requests are for songs by James Brown. Most often they request "Try Me", but people request songs from other artists as well. I really enjoy singing and I was blessed with a decent voice because it calms and soothes me to sing. For me, it is the exact equivalent of what comfort food can do for an empty, aching soul.

Everyone know that Michael/Bakari loves receiving mail. So feel free to write to him @:

Mike Brown, #P69851
DVI - PO Box 600 - K217
Tracy, CA 95378-0600

He could be relocated any day, so as soon as that happens I will post his new address. Thanks for your support.

Blessings

Before Christmas, I sent these "blessings" to Bakari from my church:

"Today I am peace, I make peace, and it enfolds all"

"In this moment, I walk in Spirit's perfect stillness and perfect LOVE"

And I drew all of these randomly and I hope this sentiment is reciprocal towards Michael (someday he will be able to make amends in person, but 'til then):

"Through the Power of God in me, I forgive every person for everything they have ever done to offend me or injure me. Forgiveness frees me."

And again:

Everyone know that Michael/Bakari loves receiving mail. So feel free to write to him @:

Mike Brown, #P69851
DVI - PO Box 600 - K217
Tracy, CA 95378-0600

Mail

Everyone know that Michael/Bakari loves receiving mail. So feel free to write to him @:

Mike Brown, #P69851
DVI - PO Box 600 - K217
Tracy, CA 95378-0600

Julie

My dad and I have one thing in common: we both love(d) and are loved by gorgeous white women. Julie is my angel and I want everyone to know that. I never knew love 'til I met Julie.

Nicole

I have a cold-blooded sister and her name is Nicole. She also goes by "Cinnamon" and I was so happy to "meet" her and talk with her. She was the first paternal sibling of mine to whom I spoke. But then she removed herself from my life, like I was poison or something.

Thanks, Nicole. You remind me of Dad; you abandoned me too.

Still here

Sometimes that is how I feel when I wake up and that is "still here". I have been going through various stages of depression lately and Christmas 2010 will be the 4th anniversary of my father's death. Rest in peace, Pops!

I received this blog on December 24th, 2010. Sorry it took me so long to post this.