Family: the more the merrier

For so long, I had been looking forward to meeting my dad's side of the family. And I was lucky enough to be re-united with 4 of my paternal sisters. Things were really looking up still at that point. I was enrolled in counseling, applying for SSDI, in counseling, attending support groups and then something prompted my downfall...

Then, for whatever reason, I began to fall apart: my relationships were strained and I was extremely irritable; I began to drink heavily and argue with everyone. And along with that, I was "talking the talk but not walking the walk" (as well as numbing myself) and yet again, I was going back on my word and dishonoring my promises. Unfortunately, to most who know me, that isn't a really a surprise.

I have started stabilizing on my psych meds and I have realized my bio-chemical imbalance/drug addiction largely contributed to my inability to follow-through and/or sit still for any length of time. And now I realize I did myself a huge disservice all of those years refusing to acknowledge my bio-chemistry was out of balance. And that was responsible for irresponsible, disruptive, destructive behavior and on and on. And truthfully, I have probably been self-medicating all of this time. Now one of the obstacles I have to overcome is regret and yet, I still ask:

How could I let this happen again???

What a terrible shame

While one is sitting alone in a cell, that is an opportunity that affords someone a lot of time of to reflect on one's life, or at least, the parts that haunt one the most. And also, for me anyway, I am now on meds (legally prescribed and monitored by healthcare providers) because of my bio-chemical imbalance and I can focus and I realize that perhaps I should re-examine my beliefs, attitudes and perceptions that I have held and are outdated or never really applied.

When I was a child, I was diagnosed with ADHD (never took meds) and so throughout my entire life, I have been in a "special" class of some sort. And at one point, at school, they put me in a booth/carousel, so I could focus on the work at hand and complete my assignments, because I could not sit still or otherwise ignore everything going on around me and my work would not be completed on time unless removed from all the distractions.

So I decided to return to school this Spring and I initially enrolled in four classes and on March 16th, I would have added a 5th class. However, as the new semester approached, I was very conscious of the effort, discipline and focus it would require to successfully complete these classes. And all of the past experience with school, returned to haunt me and I ended up doubting myself and was extremely intimidated.

And then, after I was so motivated and after persevering and taking care of all kinds of details basically at the last minute, and I faced the obstacle of having to register about 1 - 1/2 months later than everyone else and I even got the classes I needed and attended to all the necessary details. However, I let self-doubt take over and I was totally intimidated and all my hard work was moot. The only thing I was now interested in was returning to what I typically turn to (these days anyway) and made it impossible to see my hard work come to fruition. It just went from bad to worse, as obviated by the fact that I lost my freedom again.

"The scoop on this latest scenario"

I paroled on December 3, 2009, and for 30 days I stuck to my strategy and plans to re-integrate back into mainstream society. I was really motivated and I sought counseling, attended support groups, enrolled in school and I stayed away from cocaine, but not drugs altogether, and so I tried to replace crack with alcohol, and temporarily that became my drug of choice. And since I was unhappy with both myself and my life overall, I decided instead of addressing my whole-host of problems, I allowed my co-dependence to rear its ugly head again and I began exhibiting controlling and smothering behavior towards those around me, especially Julie.

So my drinking spiraled out of control and one night in January after an argument, I went binge drinking, ran into an acquaintance whom just happened to have some weed, and he shared his with me and while I was smoking, I knew I was back on a very tenuous track. And now, consciously or unconsciously, I knew this was going to lead me back to that evil that is known as "crack". I knew it was over right then. My fate was going to take me back to the same-ole, same-ole patterns of behavior. From that moment on, I concluded I was doomed.

And continuing on that subject: pain

I know that is what I have given the world and I have also suffered immense pain because of my circumstances; really from my conception up to now. My pain has cut to the core of one's being and to the others who have suffered because of me, I am so very sorry is the sentiment I wish to convey, so those are the my words to those that I have infected...

I am away yet again

Well as of today, I have been incarcerated 3 months; I was out a whopping 61 days. I know I exhibited some really bizarre behavior while I was out in mainstream/conventional society. I have finally acknowledged that I have a bio-chemical imbalance (diagnosed by several medical professionals), as well as a problem with addiction. My drug of choice is cocaine and using and abusing it resulted not only in some irresponsible behavior, but also my return to police custody.

I allegedly violated society by perpetrating some property crimes, but law enforcement has to prove that there were any true crimes committed and consider my state of mind when I finally encountered law enforcement that morning. And Sac County needs to examine my alleged actions within the whole context of what allegedly occurred and what was really playing out in my alleged case.

I have finally come to terms with the fact that I have a true diagnosed illness and I am sick and unfortunately what sickens me as well, is the impact I have on the world and those who care about me; those realizations have manifested as self-hatred and self-loathing and ironically I do the most damage to those that are most important me. To all I have slighted, please realize that I know that and I carry that guilt around with me. I hope one day you can forgive me.