Grandpa

Hi! I have good news: Michael became a grand-father on October 11th. He has a new grand-son named Frankie James. His great-grandmother said he totally adorable. Elias, congratulations on your new son! God Bless! Julie

Bigger Picture

I am struggling to see the forest for the trees and accept the bigger truth: I am still returning home in a few more weeks. And I cannot forget that I have many other things for which to be grateful. I am healthy and alive, my maternal family and Julie are also alive and well and really overall everything is well.

And I have to remind myself of this so I do not devolve into the mire of self-pity. Today, I spoke to a man who was imprisoned for murder and while he was here, he caught another murder case. I keep reminding myself I will be out in time to enjoy most of the 2009 holiday season.

Julie's Plight

I have been thinking about how this delay will affect others, especially Julie. She is so adorable and tolerant of me and a lot (not all) of my behavior. Besides God and my mother, she is my best friend. And every time I am sent away, it impacts her life as well. Our relationship is tumultuous and fairly dysfunctional, but we are our working on ourselves individually and we aspire to a conventional lifestyle absent of chaos and drama.

Over the past few weeks, the tone of her letters reflected joy and hope and now our plans have been derailed again. As I am writing this my pulse rate is increasing and I am raging on the inside because she is hurt again and it is connected to me. However, this time, I have to step up to the plate and practice what I preach. So I have to exemplify maturity and acceptance and even perhaps share my pain and maturely demonstrate my capacity to be vulnerable.

In the past, I have done almost anything I could to escape my emotions and the one I found most painful is vulnerability. It is so much easier to act up, hide from the truth and healthy people and to do drugs and just go numb. And this time, it is Julie that is hurt and this is just killing me.

Coming to Terms (Drafted 9/26/09)

Two days have gone by since I was advised of CDCR's error in correctly calculating my release date. The bigger picture is this was simply a clerical error and I have to be mature enough to understand just that. If you know me well or have been following my blog, then you know I do not handle disappointments/setbacks/not getting my own way with maturity and grace. I have always thrown tantrums and this set of circumstances requires humility and understanding; plus, I am the one that is responsible for being here again; I self-sabotaged and I am one that pays the price.

However I must remember my sentence could have been for years and years instead of months, so I still have something for which to be grateful. I met a Caucasian man today and I asked if he were from Sacramento and sadly he replied "I used to be but not anymore." He said that because he isn't getting out. So that sorta puts things in perspective. I have a relatively short stint left and if I choose I can use this time to work on myself and my relationships and make this time as productive as possible.

Appropriate Response

I have filed an appeal on this procedure of fixing or adjusting an inmate's release date 10 days prior to his/her parole. It hampers a smooth transition by creating an air of anxiety that can be easily eliminated. This procedure is a circumvention of the department's express agenda of rehabilitation because now I have to make new plans, deal with depression along with the additional stress this revelation has put on my primary relationship.

I have to file appeals to prevent paying for my parole clothes being returned or even destroyed. This adjustment to my release date could've been done at the 60 day audit.

Tested Again (Drafted Sept. 24th, 2009)

Today I learned that my release date of October 4th was miscalculated and the new date is in December. Of course I am very upset and for many reasons. I have vowed to myself that I was not going to hurt Julie or my family or cause them hardship anymore and I am still a source of consternation to all of them.

I am so happy and encouraged by the progress that Julie and I have made and we were actually going to be in each other's presence again and revel in the joy of our evolving relationship and instead, yet another hurdle is forced upon us. We have yet another two months or so to continue our long-distance relationship. I have faith we will prevail despite this setback.

I am also angry that CDCR waited until 10 days before I was originally slated to parole to inform me of this administrative error. And then, why aren't they obligated to honor the paperwork they generated on more than one occasion with my October release date? Any other business out there would have to honor what they put in writing. Why not CDCR?

It is so frustrating on so many levels because everyone was prepared for my homecoming, made plans and even already had my parole clothes here waiting for me. This major setback is not at all conducive to rehabilitation. I am extremely distraught but I have to hold it together and realize this is just another challenge to my assertion that I have grown-up and matured.

i am trying to treat this as a test because to be honest, I am furious and I want to lash out. How do I cope with that? I really do know what the mature, responsible and objective response is and I will walk in that and not revert to my childlike behavior and throw a tantrum. These are growing pains and they really do hurt, but I am not the victim here.

God is still God; Julie and my family are still here and I will be home pretty soon. And I guess these lessons will prepare me even more for the concept and actual fruition of living life on life's terms.

Ego-Centric

I have always asserted that my reality as Michael Brown is that I received a lot of attention, deserved or not, simply because I am son of the "Godfather of Soul", James Brown. That being said, I have to admit that I crave attention and I have for most of my life. From the time I can remember, I had notoriety for simply being his son and only living in the shadow of his achievements. And that created a dilemma for me because within that dynamic there is tension between being denied attention from my biological father, and the love I craved immensely as any son would, and the attention the rest of the world bestowed upon me. And I truly believe my desire for attention is about my father and not about me.

A Buddhist brother of mine, who recently paroled stated this to me in no uncertain terms: "I do not want you to see me, I am trying to see you and learn. I am a student of life, for life." He was older than me and seemingly more balanced and very precise with his use of language. And typically he was not prone to platitudes or merely enjoying the sound of his own voice, as so many in here are. When I questioned him about the source of his peace, he began to address the issues of the ego and my sad realization is that as he described this propensity, he was describing me. Can any of you relate?

Psychopath

Because of my circumstances, I spend a lot of time reading. And again, thanks to all who have forwarded reading material to me from the various bookstores. Anyway, while I was reading a book entitled "A Lonely Heart Learns to Love" by Priscilla English Walton, and I came across the term "psychosomatic". I grabbed my dictionary and began thumbing through it and the like term "psychopath" suddenly occurred to me. I love language and expanding my vocabulary, so I decided to look up that term instead. And guess what? After perusing the definition, and much to my dismay, guess who I saw? Yeah, big surprise...me. At different times in my life, I have manifested some of these traits...not all, Thank God, but enough of them.

So the dictionary defines psychopath as: an emotionally and behaviorally disordered state characterized by clear perceptions of reality except for the individuals social and moral obligations and often by the pursuit of immediate personal gratification in criminal acts, drug addictions or sexual perversion. Uhm...WOW!

I have always thought of this as a derisive and disparaging characterization of someone; however, one of my battles is to face my demons and character flaws and at least I am now aware of these past and present proclivities. Back in 1995, one of my ex-wives frequently challenged me to "know thyself" and there has been a bit of a lag, but I am catching up now. And I really hope that the adage that states "knowing/understanding is truly half the battle" is right on the mark.

The Bumps on Which We Climb

Recently, someone anonymously sent me several books and I am clueless as to whom bestowed these upon me. I really appreciate them and I am enjoying them immensely. Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts and words cannot adequately convey my appreciation. God Bless!