Julie's Plight

I have been thinking about how this delay will affect others, especially Julie. She is so adorable and tolerant of me and a lot (not all) of my behavior. Besides God and my mother, she is my best friend. And every time I am sent away, it impacts her life as well. Our relationship is tumultuous and fairly dysfunctional, but we are our working on ourselves individually and we aspire to a conventional lifestyle absent of chaos and drama.

Over the past few weeks, the tone of her letters reflected joy and hope and now our plans have been derailed again. As I am writing this my pulse rate is increasing and I am raging on the inside because she is hurt again and it is connected to me. However, this time, I have to step up to the plate and practice what I preach. So I have to exemplify maturity and acceptance and even perhaps share my pain and maturely demonstrate my capacity to be vulnerable.

In the past, I have done almost anything I could to escape my emotions and the one I found most painful is vulnerability. It is so much easier to act up, hide from the truth and healthy people and to do drugs and just go numb. And this time, it is Julie that is hurt and this is just killing me.