Tested Again (Drafted Sept. 24th, 2009)

Today I learned that my release date of October 4th was miscalculated and the new date is in December. Of course I am very upset and for many reasons. I have vowed to myself that I was not going to hurt Julie or my family or cause them hardship anymore and I am still a source of consternation to all of them.

I am so happy and encouraged by the progress that Julie and I have made and we were actually going to be in each other's presence again and revel in the joy of our evolving relationship and instead, yet another hurdle is forced upon us. We have yet another two months or so to continue our long-distance relationship. I have faith we will prevail despite this setback.

I am also angry that CDCR waited until 10 days before I was originally slated to parole to inform me of this administrative error. And then, why aren't they obligated to honor the paperwork they generated on more than one occasion with my October release date? Any other business out there would have to honor what they put in writing. Why not CDCR?

It is so frustrating on so many levels because everyone was prepared for my homecoming, made plans and even already had my parole clothes here waiting for me. This major setback is not at all conducive to rehabilitation. I am extremely distraught but I have to hold it together and realize this is just another challenge to my assertion that I have grown-up and matured.

i am trying to treat this as a test because to be honest, I am furious and I want to lash out. How do I cope with that? I really do know what the mature, responsible and objective response is and I will walk in that and not revert to my childlike behavior and throw a tantrum. These are growing pains and they really do hurt, but I am not the victim here.

God is still God; Julie and my family are still here and I will be home pretty soon. And I guess these lessons will prepare me even more for the concept and actual fruition of living life on life's terms.