Double-mindedness

Double-mindedness is something I struggle with a lot. I am advocating the biblical definition, as in, I am not confessing to having multiple personalities.

For example, one moment I may pray for something and believe it, but later on, I may not believe I will see my desire. One moment I will view someone honorably and believe in them but another time I see the complete opposite. The same goes for myself. Sometimes, I look in the mirror, and I am confident and pleased in spite of myself. And other times, I look in the mirror and I am timid and ashamed because of myself. I'm not bi-polar or crazy, I just get double-minded at times. It is called second-guessing yourself and I believe it is perfectly normal.

Honesty

Honesty is of paramount importance and is necessary in order for growth in personal relationships. I can recall times when I have confessed news to friends or significant others that seemingly broke their hearts, but in the long run proved to be the right choice. Well, someone has confessed previous infidelity to me and believe it or not, I wasn't hurt at all, but rather I was relieved and I thought: wow, I know how it feels to get garbage off of my chest. So at all costs, I will be honest with those around and who love me.

Emotional availability

Someone who watched the recent bio-pick of father on CNN observed this: That based on interviews with brothers and sisters, my father didn't appear to be emotionally available to anyone. This person questioned whether my father liked himself or if he was capable of truly loving anyone.

Well, I know they were also speaking about me indirectly. I've been questioned in the past along these lines and I have also questioned myself in this same vein. And this is my response: I'm not consumed with figuring out why my dad dogged me or if he loved himself. And to answer the allegation of my tendency not to be emotionally available, I blame my lack of trust in people. Why should I open up only to be spit upon. The last time I opened up to a friend, I expressed my feelings about her and how to dispose of her remains and her worldly possessions in the event of an untimely demise. And all she did, metaphorically speaking, was spit in my face. But maybe she didn't really see my emotional vulnerability at that moment. I feel like I was more open in my youth and adolescence and all I did was experience a lot of pain. So I am not going to lay myself out to be walked all over emotionally. I've been around long enough to know better. Some may say that is a sad way to live, but this is my response: "That's your opinion".

Who I am

I'm a man who is conscious of the Black and poor underclass of America. I want to advocate for these people in all arenas: politically, socially and economically. I see myself as a new man with a new mind and my world view reflects that of a scientific socialist. I strive to fulfill my fullest potential and I never place limitations on my capabilities, and I will actively and vehemently resist those who attempt to do.

I also suffer from an addictive personality and co-dependence. I get angry very easily and I often direct it at those who do not deserve it. At times, I am totally self-absorbed and self-centered and when I am in that mode, I do not respond well to those around me and their needs. I know myself, even though some people don't believe that it is altogether true and to them I say this: Figure yourself first, then worry about me.

Infidelity

Recently, someone I love, confessed to infidelity. I'm not much of a believer in fidelity myself. What I mean is that I am not innocent of infidelity and neither are some of my friends and ex-lovers. So I know how people can be and I don't put much confidence in people.

So she confessed to infidelity but what I see is her infidelity was only a symptom of a problem. A problem that I take full responsibility for in this case. This woman loves me and has done her best to demonstrate her love to me. However, I took her and other for granted and opted to behave anyway I felt. And of course, when you sow corruption, you reap corruption. And now it has happened. I'm not as focused on the act as I am the solution. She came clean which speaks volumes about her character, so I'm trying to figure out exactly what to do. And the situation is complicated because now there are more parties and complications. Woe is me.

Toxic people

A very dear friend of mine terms some of the people I associate with as "toxic". You see, I'm a non-active addict, who happens to have "friends" who use illegal narcotics. I don't consider myself to be better than they are. However, I will admit to having helped them in their own unhealthy endeavors.

This is how I perceive things: I was raised in a semi-upscale neighborhood in Sacramento, CA, however, for whatever reason, I have always frequented more impoverished areas. I identify with people that society has seemingly turned a blind-eye towards, or those who are termed cast-outs. That is, the criminals, mentally challenged, lame, drug addicts, gang members, prostitutes and dope-fiends. I don't see myself as part of the elite upper-class, and to call these people toxic I think is a misnomer. Rather, I think they have suffered just as I have.

Edited and posted by Julie Swartzendruber

Self-centeredness

I cannot even count the times that I have put myself above everyone and everything else. The end result has always been unfruitful. One of my friends is trying to get me to acknowledge the exact nature of my wrongs. This person is hell-bent on making me acknowledge my faults. If I refuse, they claim that I am in denial. I'm not in denial, I just don't like to magnify problems and be over-dramatic. But by the same token, this friend of mine is a good person and onlly has, it seems, good intentions. So I will acknowledge before God and the world, that YES, I have been extremely self-centered. However, that is only when my mind has been altered by a foreign substance, that is, illicit drugs. If I am not high, I think about other people, and I am very caring. No one on earth is perfect and it seems someone is always pointing the finger at someone else. Remember this: when you are pointing a finger, you have three pointing back at you. It seems for some people, I can never do anything right, so I figure you can't please them all, all of the time. And if they don't like it, oh well, life goes on with or without.

Who's to blame?

I'm having a good day. I have continued to refuse my psychiatric meds. I am being honest with myself and I don't need medication. What I need is a made-up mind and to use self-discipline. I also harbor a lot of anger, and I believe that some of that anger died on December 25, 2006, the day my father, James Brown, died.

I am an extremely volatile individual and I think I was hugely impacted by intentional neglect that I suffered from my father's refusal to acknowledge me. I am not blaming my father, never that, but on some level, I believe the man I had become was framed by the intentional absence of a biological father in my life.

I have received numerous letters from an ex of mine and she rails on me and accuses me of being a cry-baby and refusing to be accountable for my own actions. So I want to set the record straight: I am responsible for my own actions; however, a lot of things factor into how one perceives himself and the world. I believe my past, my rearing etc. played a major role in why I chose to behave as I have.

Love

Love does suffer long, love is kind, love has faith and love is not easily dismayed. Love will be there for the long haul, love will cause you to look past a person's flaws and still see a precious human being. As mad as I am at my father, I still love him. I still miss him and I dream about him. Despite my ex-fiancee, Julie, abandoning me, I still love her and see her as precious. She claimed to love me, but I don't know if she ever really did but I want only the best for her. She let other people change her mind about her love for me but I love her, still. Love the one you are with, don't let them go and do all you can to keep that love alive.

Hope

Hope is a driving force and because of it, we can always see a brighter day ahead. Having hope allows us to rise out of seemingly hopeless situation and see the good in situations or other people. Hope has kept me alive many nights. When there was no one else to push me and others had written me off as a lost cause, hope kept me from taking my own life. So when you have reached the end of your line, take a dose of hope and envision yourself where you want to be adn you will make it.

Trust no one

I've already written my book; however, it is still early in the year. I had help with my book, but that person has apparently gone back on me. I believe, in other words, someone I was depending on has become preoccupied with other agendas. But that's OK, I don't have much faith or trust in people. I am speaking from personal experience: I've let a lot of people down during my life, as well as letting myself down.

I have a tattoo that says "trust no one" and a lot of people don't understand or relate to that philosophy. My ex-fiancee was one who rejected this outlook on the world. She has been abused by men, including me, but I admire her outlook on life. When all seemed lost, encountering set-back after set-back, she remained serene, focused and positive. She didn't turn to alcohol or drugs to escape her situation and I admire that about her. May God bless that woman and may God bring her a man who will truly love, honor, protect her and watch out for her self-interest above his own. We can learn from one another on this planet, if we slow down enough to simply observe one another.

Abandoning pyschiatric meds

I've concluded that I will discontinue my psychiatric medication. I do not need the meds. All I need to do is "man-up", use self-control and discipline and quit listening to other people when they try to tell me what I feel. I don't believe in the power of medication, and yes, I am being a bit overdramatic here, but as American citizen, I am afforded freedom of choice. America is beautiful in a lot of ways and I really cherish "my freedom of choice".


The meds make me hyper and I also feel weird inside. I do not need meds to function properly and all drugs, whether they are legal or illegal have just hindered my ability to function. So I say "no" to all drugs, legal and illegal.

Someone else's turmoil

I have a friend who has found himself entangled in an unhealthy relationship. He has put the needs of this woman and her son above his and he isn't taking care of himself. I want to show him that he has a lot of potential and that there are opportunities out there for other relationships. While she is a very attractive lady, perhaps at this time, he could make a healthier choice for a romantic relationship.

I speak from experince. In the past, I have attempted to assume another person's burdens. And that may seem to be compassionate, it may only complicate one's life and just compound the problems of all those involved, and they may all end up ensnared in an ugly cycle.

Moving on

As it turns out, my fiancee has chosen to discontinue her role in our realationship. I'm perfectly fine with choice; I couldn't end it because of my guilt-feelings, but now that she has done it, I'm free to move on. Our relationship was very rocky and she never had a fair chance from the start. I wanted to have children and be normal but that didn't happen. Now, I will seek a younger companion, since I also hope to have more children.

My thoughts towards Julie will always be fond, she was a very lovely person, but like her, I am ready for something new and fresh. I feel free and I will come out of this stronger and without the weight of someone else's burdens.

My sister

I received news from my baby sister that she will be going to Iowa to go to graduate school. I'm not happy about that at all. I want my sister to stay close by and not in a state thousands of miles away. I am a worry-worm and that is just too far away. God forbid that she decides to stay in IA after she finishes school. My baby sister is the life of the family, she is all that I am not, and I am so very proud of her. She worries about me; I haven't been the best big brother but she knows that I love her. My maternal family is close and I love them above all else. However, at times, it seemed like I loved jail, crime and drugs more than them. Well, you live and learn...

Consolation

Well, today has been difficult. I am feeling lonely and abandoned. I have friends who love me, but losing my fiancee took me by complete surprise and I have a really ugly feeling inside. I am waiting for someone to cheer me up. I rebound quickly and I am sure that I'll get to know someone new, someone who can console me very soon. I don't mourn for long and this is the case now as well. I am looking for something fresh and new. While I am as co-dependent as they come, I would rather term it as a "lover of women". I am tired of being alone already and I invite anyone to write me who would like good conversation and a chance to learn from one another.

Listening

Why do people magnify their differences rather than cultivate what they happen in common? As human beings, we can learn so much from one another if we simply pay attention, and give each other the courtesy of listening to one another.

Sometimes I move so fast and speak too quickly that I don't really hear people, in other words, I don't listen. I go about with preconceived ideas about people or things and I miss the lesson or the beauty in someone or something. However, on the flip side of the coin, people may have preconceived ideas about me and they miss what I have to contribute.

Today I am going to focus and listen to people and magnify what we really share in common.

Turmoil

I need help. I'm in need of companionship, money, mail, visits and true friendship. I'm not perfect and I've got my issues as you know already, but I'm lovable. This little down turn will not last for long, I promise.

My case

Today I got some good news from my attorneys handling my claim against my father's estate. I can't divulge details, but I am happy. I am ready to live a different life; I am so tired at the life I have lived.

I've also come across a new person named "Stephanie". She's a 26 year-old Caucasian. I am hoping that this friendship can help me focus on other things. I have had a hard time sleeping since my mind has been on my ex-fiancee, Julie. I'm not going to lie: I'm really disturbed by abandonment. I felt so close to Julie, she was totally a good woman, and I never got my chance to protect and provide for her. I will always think fondly of her. God bless you, Julie. I love you.

Life goes on...

Well, one can't mourn forever. I rebound quickly. It may seem cruel but I can rebound as quickly as the next day. I mourn but I seek shelter like the true co-dependent I am. I have a lot of friends and it is times like these that I reach out to them. Most of my friends are female; I turn to females because they are compassionate and insightful. I'm also like my father with respect to women and the relationships I have with them. I have hurt women and I am not proud of that. I can have a cold heart, and circumstances have made me hard and yes, I can be mean sometimes. I know this and I am working on this character defect. So, will some lovely lady come and rescue me. I'm lonely and I need a friend.

It's over?!?!

Well, I have received some very disturbing news. I'm now a single man. My fiancee, Julie, apparently, has moved on. This really took me by surprise; one day she loved me, and the next day she hated me. This is why I don't trust people. I always have reservations and back-up plans. It's a horrible way to live life, but it is life. Abandonment is nothing new to me; actually, I've come to expect it. Julie has good reason to move on and I don't blame her, but I feel like if she had held on longer, the vision of love I had for us would've come to pass.