To My Son, Elias

As of now, I don't have any other means of reaching out to my son.

Elias, if you are reading this, first I want to apologize, and yes, I know, this falls short for all of years I was gone and haven't been a father to you. However, you have to start somewhere. I really regret calling you nasty names and arguing with you, but that is where my immaturity reared its ugly head. You hurt my feelings and I lashed out and that is no excuse. I was the adult and I certainly didn't act like it; I acted like a child and for that, I am truly, truly, sorry.

There are no excuses for my behavior, but I can attempt to explain and hope you are amenable to "hearing" me this time. My father never extended himself to me at all, so I am trying to be a better person than he was.

Anyway, you know I've been in jails, prisons, institutions etc. for most of your life and mine. I have grown accustomed to enforced structure and although, I have matured physically, but not yet mentally. And so far, as my prison record demonstrates, I have failed miserably at being responsible for myself.

And while I was out in December and January, I finally started putting some order to my life, motivating myself and aspiring to more than I have exhibited during most of my life. I attempted to reach out and re-connect with you; however, your mother is very protective of you and still very angry with me and she took the liberty to speak on your behalf and I know your grand-mother (Mary) concurred that you did not wish to make contact with me. That saddens me; but we need to start somewhere and I hope you are open to that idea.

I cannot force you to do anything and all I can do is let you know if and when you ever get ready, I am willing to start communicating and creating some sort of amicable relationship. I just wanted you to know that I open to any positive overtures you extend and I have prayed that conflict your mother and I are engaged in, isn't preventing you from contacting me. I hope to hear from you soon and you are welcome to visit anytime. I love and miss you; I hope we can come to an understanding and create a father-son relationship.