Apology

I have made some poor choices throughout my life and for those that affected others, I am ashamed and remorseful. And, unfortunately, that implies that I have violated humanity and some of the people that I have encountered were unintentionally affected by my tirades, psychosis and drug addiction.

And, sometimes, upon reflection, I start to empathize with those and I actually feel physical pain, that is, if the wind had just been knocked out of me. I cannot believe that I may have inflicted that degree of havoc on those that I love, friends or those may have crossed my path.

I have come across people who did not know me as Michael Brown, James Brown's son or as Bakari. Rather, they encountered someone with serious mental health issues, a very sick, miserable and desperate person. However, my family and Julie have been influenced the most and may have suffered the most and I have to take responsibility and admit how deeply I regret violating all of you.

I cannot make excuses or play the victim myself because the damage has been done and I will forever live with the reality of my impact on humanity as a whole. I can see my own reflection from the way I've impacted to those around me. I wholeheartedly apologize to those of you who that put your faith and trust in me, only to thumb my nose at you, and ignore my proclamations of change and insight and act very selfishly, without considering anything else but my own self-interest.

And I am especially remorseful for refusing to heed the advice/suggestions/strategies of those who were basically saying how unhealthy my choice was to continue to use drugs and deny how destructive they truly were. And all they were doing was just trying to get me to recognize what my real problem was, as in, cocaine. I turned a deaf ear to anything I heard for several reasons, but the most probable answer is pure denial on my part about how profoundly my life had become unbalanced, and as always, I didn't want to admit that I was out of control.

I want to apologize to my son, Michael Elias Brown, whom I have hurt deeply; I am so very sorry for acting so foolishly most of your life. Mom and Garvin, I apologize for betraying you and as well as my sister, Rissa, I apologize and I am very sincere because I know it was a reflection of my selfish actions.

And please, Julie, forgive me for being such a control freak and all the chaos that I have inflicted upon you and for disappointing you over and over again.

I also apologize to my paternal sisters, Nicole, Peaches and Jeanette because I let all of you down. At times, I was just downright mean to you as well. I hope you understand there were other forces at work when I responded that way.

And finally, I want to apologize to my grand-parents for failing them. I haven't really been a very good son or grand-son or role model for my son. I regret losing valuable time with all of you because I was in and out of jails and prisons. I apologize for all of the suffering that I have caused people.