Theme of 2009

Julie sarcastically refers to this stint of prison time as "Theme 2009 - Taking Responsibility" because of previous false and grandiose proclamations I have made as an inmate during the other times I have been imprisoned. Previously, I have had what I thought were these epiphanies and then I would swear I had found the answer about how I would change my life and how I planned to live my life differently after I return to civilized life. And guess where I am writing from now?

While I am incarcerated, I try to spend my time productively and reflect on my life and where I may have gone wrong. This time, I believe if I work on maturing and taking responsibility for my past, I can actually initiate some change in my life and redirect my journey and put the tumult and chaos behind me. I know she supports my efforts, but she is dubious at times. I cannot blame her because I have disappointed her before, but I also need to hear encouragement as well. She is supportive but sometimes it is tempered with doubt and fear.

My case worker said I did not have to convince anyone else about my serenity. That is part and parcel of the disagreement between Julie and me. She claims after I return to CDC's custody that I have been all talk and no action. And now, I need to put up or shut-up this time, This I know...

I feel like I have wasted the last 40 years and now I have to stand-up, be mature, accept my reality and take appropriate action to get control of my life and my destiny. Yes, I have fear and it is that fear that has kept me stagnant all these years.

I am a 40 year-old Black man, a son of James Brown and I have a history of substance abuse, domestic violence, violence, irresponsibility, running from maturity, mental health issues, womanizing and frequent incarceration. I have little to no vocational skills; I am homeless; without transportation and I parole in 2 months. All of this is a recipe for recidivism; however, it is in MY CONTROL to change that

So this isn't just "Theme 2009" , this is what it is "Being the Son of the Godfather of Soul".

Ebony & Ivory

Like my father, I have found love with a Caucasian female; I guess we could be called opposites because as the adage goes "opposites attract" and obviously we have very different complexions. However, I do not if being different ethnicities necessarily make us what I would define as opposites, but I do know some of our political views differ greatly. I have accused Julie of being too "liberal" and our religious/spiritual views sometimes elicit a lively discussion. Another variable that affects how different we are may be where we were raised. Julie was born and raised in the Midwest, while I am a native Californian, born and bred. So that also influences how each of us sees the world, as well. Oh and one last thing, and Julie can speak for herself, but I cannot resist, so I gotta say it "Once you go Black, you never go back". C'mon, you have to have seen that coming.

However, everyone knows that I am not one of those Black men who are only attracted only to Caucasian women but I have found my soul mate in Julie. I love her, I love her, I love her and I want the world to see and know that.

Recovery

I have to decide what "real" recovery is for me. First and foremost, I have to abstain from all drugs. I am also going to therapy each week and learning about how to cultivate and MAINTAIN healthy relationships and redefining how I interact with others. I have huge boundary issues and that is quite obvious, because as you know, I am quite co-dependent and that is an especially difficult issue for me. I have also had a propensity to inflict emotional, psychological, physical and spiritual abuse and that requires me to examine my life and face some difficult memories. While this list is not exhaustive, the final issue for me is to become a truly responsible adult.

This is a very difficult journey and I am impatient and I want it to happen overnight. Remember, we live in a society that worships instant gratification. And I do realize that there are certain "excuses" such as perceived slights/anger/rage that I use so I can justify in my mind those circumstances that will allow me to return to using once again. And once I am in that mind space it doesn't take much convincing. That is an exceptionally difficult battle of wills within my brain and I often crave and take what appears to be the easy way out. God, am I wrong about that...

I have figured out that I primarily use drugs as an avenue of escape; they numb me and provide a false sense of security. But sustained drug use leads to an ugly, ugly cycle. When my addiction/cravings overwhelms me, I resort to dishonorable measures to acquire more drugs and then I feel incredible shame and guilt and guess what? I have to numb myself yet again and the cycle repeats itself much to my chagrin.

I am also under a great deal of pressure because I have returned to a relationship that is in desperate need of healing; I did this by choice and out of love. However, in doing so, I have put myself in the line of fire, so to speak. I believe I have progressed quite a lot because I believe I am working on LEARNING to be responsible and owning my past behavior.

However all that is expressed to me is doubt about my devotion and sincerity to maturity and a commitment to active recovery. I have made many promises and BROKEN many promises to her in my alleged pursuit of sobriety and maturity. On the flip side, though, all she has primarily experienced is a side of me that can be quite ugly.

Her behavior is only human but I hate to hear it all the time. I know I can prevail and achieve this vision of life-long recovery and live a disciplined life of integrity. However I am humble enough to ask for your words of wisdom and your prayers for both of us.

Thanks in advance for graciously extending yourselves, your stories, your support and your faith.

Passion

Recently, Julie posed this question to me: What am I passionate about in my life? After I reflected on this question the answer came to me. I would love to work with children that may have been deprived of love and family and did not have the opportunity to live a "conventional" life. That is to say, they may not have experienced the typical American dream of a mom, dad and 2.2 children all residing together in the stereotypical happy and satisfying life.

However, there are some people who may question the assertion of my passion and dedication to children. And the first one that can attest to my "hypocrisy" is my own son. I haven't really been a presence or influence in my own son's life. And I guess I carried on a family tradition. I would see my own dad on television discussing ways he could assist fatherless children when he was blatantly ignoring and neglecting me.

In the past, I have had the opportunity to make a positive impact/difference in some children's lives, but typically I have self-destructed before I could follow-through on my good intentions.

Once I have worked on myself and achieved a level of stability, I will strive to be a blessing to some young people again. When I come to the end of my life, I pray that I will have made a positive difference and will also be remembered fondly.

The Loss of Michael Jackson

Recently, we lost another great entertainer. And despite being an enigma, many of us connected with him to the point of feeling like we actually knew him. I do feel a special connection to him because he claimed my father influenced and inspired him. And while various allegations were made against Michael, that didn't detract from his brilliance as an entertainer.

I know his impact on my life was positive. One specific memory I have as a child, was cutting out a 45 RPM record from "The Jackson Five' cereal and playing that record on my record player. I have fond memories listening to his music and dancing around and singing doing my Michael Jackson impression.

And just like my father's death, his death also took me by complete surprise. Michael Jackson may not be here in body, but he will be with us in spirit because his music will live on, just like my father's music has.

There is mystery, curiosity and speculation surrounding both his life and death. Personally, only those around him daily know the specific details and truth of "true" Michael Jackson. And while the public may never be privy to his personal life; there is one indisputable fact and that is no one can ever deny the impact on the world of music and millions of listeners of all ages. And the proof of that is the entire world mourns his death. I, too, extend my condolences to his family and friends.

And finally, I want to thank Michael Jackson and his family for the many years of entertainment they shared with us. You will be missed.

God Bless!