Recovery

I have to decide what "real" recovery is for me. First and foremost, I have to abstain from all drugs. I am also going to therapy each week and learning about how to cultivate and MAINTAIN healthy relationships and redefining how I interact with others. I have huge boundary issues and that is quite obvious, because as you know, I am quite co-dependent and that is an especially difficult issue for me. I have also had a propensity to inflict emotional, psychological, physical and spiritual abuse and that requires me to examine my life and face some difficult memories. While this list is not exhaustive, the final issue for me is to become a truly responsible adult.

This is a very difficult journey and I am impatient and I want it to happen overnight. Remember, we live in a society that worships instant gratification. And I do realize that there are certain "excuses" such as perceived slights/anger/rage that I use so I can justify in my mind those circumstances that will allow me to return to using once again. And once I am in that mind space it doesn't take much convincing. That is an exceptionally difficult battle of wills within my brain and I often crave and take what appears to be the easy way out. God, am I wrong about that...

I have figured out that I primarily use drugs as an avenue of escape; they numb me and provide a false sense of security. But sustained drug use leads to an ugly, ugly cycle. When my addiction/cravings overwhelms me, I resort to dishonorable measures to acquire more drugs and then I feel incredible shame and guilt and guess what? I have to numb myself yet again and the cycle repeats itself much to my chagrin.

I am also under a great deal of pressure because I have returned to a relationship that is in desperate need of healing; I did this by choice and out of love. However, in doing so, I have put myself in the line of fire, so to speak. I believe I have progressed quite a lot because I believe I am working on LEARNING to be responsible and owning my past behavior.

However all that is expressed to me is doubt about my devotion and sincerity to maturity and a commitment to active recovery. I have made many promises and BROKEN many promises to her in my alleged pursuit of sobriety and maturity. On the flip side, though, all she has primarily experienced is a side of me that can be quite ugly.

Her behavior is only human but I hate to hear it all the time. I know I can prevail and achieve this vision of life-long recovery and live a disciplined life of integrity. However I am humble enough to ask for your words of wisdom and your prayers for both of us.

Thanks in advance for graciously extending yourselves, your stories, your support and your faith.