Life on the outside

Well im actually the person pecking way on the keys. I have put all of my energy into fortifying me family relationships. I have resolved to not fall back into my old pattern of drugs, penitentary chances, grief and return to custody. Its difficult to save the least but I shall prevail this time and I want to thank a very dear friend of mine for staying the course and for just being my best friend outside of family, thank you JULIE SWARTZENDRURBER. What I believe is healing starts within the family first and that is the approach that im taking. I will succeed!

Signing off...

An aside to Bakari: I sent a total of 6 letters and post-cards to the Represa address beginning 10/19/07 per your instructions. I guess you never received any of them. So sorry. I guess that is the CDC for you.

Peace, Baby!

From: Julie Swartzendruber
To: Bakari's fans

Hi Everyone,

Well I guess there is no "Plan C", so I'll re-iterate:

I am very glad I could share Bakari's story with all of you; I hope this blog served its intended purpose for him, as well.

Well, I hope all of you enjoyed reading it as much I valued having the opportunity to work on it, edit and post it. And I am also grateful to all of my friends, who were very gracious and complimented me on its eloquence, style and conciseness; I really appreciated their kudos. And yes, I enjoyed the ego boost.

Regretfully, from this point on, I will no longer be affiliated with this enterprise. Regardless, I enjoyed making this contribution and I extend my best wishes to all of you.

And Bakari, as always, thanks for the opportunity.

Good Luck!

"In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer" ----------- Albert Camus

Music

From: Julie Swartzendruber
To: Bakari's Fans

Music has been ever-present in both of our lives and very much a part of our romantic relationship. I remember buying my first 45s when I was like 10 years of age. The first singles I bought were Alice Cooper's "I Never Cry" and Kiss's "Beth". And for obvious reasons, music is also very important to Bakari. So Bakari and I have sent each other song dedications in almost every letter we exchanged.

So I would like to make several dedications to Bakari that reflect both the joy and tumult of our relationship. Plus it is probably a little more efficient than having me go on and on for pages and pages

So, Bakari, here's to ya!

Percy Sledge's "When a Man Loves a Woman"; Sheryl Crow's "No One Said It Would Be Easy"; Joss Stone's "Bruised but Not Broken" and "Killing Time"; Rihanna's "Rehab" and "Breakin' Dishes"; Tom Petty's "I Won't Back Down" and "Alright For Now"; Barbara Streisand's "I Don't Break Easily"; Red Jumpsuit Apparatus's "Face Down"; Maxwell's "Reunion" and "Whenever, Wherever, Whatever"; Madonna's "Frozen", "Live to Tell" and "Borderline"; Johnny Cash's "Flesh and Blood"; Avril Lavigne's "Naked" and "Happy Ending"; Joan Osborne's "Crazy Baby"; Gavin DeGraw's "Follow Through"; Lucinda Williams's "Are You Alright?"; Journey's "Good Morning Girl", "Who's Crying Now" and "Open Arms"; Fountains of Wayne's "Hey Julie"; Azure Ray's "Hold On Love"; Daughtry's "Its Not Over"; Blue October's "Hate Me" and obviously, James Brown's "I Got You (I Feel Good)".

Thanks for "listening"!

Julie

One Last Word...maybe

From: Julie Swartzendruber
To: Bakari's Fans

There's a little more to the story than Bakari has let on. First, because I am progressive and Bakari is fairly traditional, we had a dispute over whether I would change my last name when we declared before God and the world, that we would be together forever. So that was a big point of contention.

And then, we disagreed about family. I love my biological family, we just see the world very differently and plus, most of them are in the Midwest or the East, so maintaining regular contact has been difficult. And in addition, I have had other more pressing issues to face, sometimes on a daily basis, as in survival, so that took precedence. And, the bottom line for me, since I am so far from home, which is Iowa City (University of IA. Go Hawks! - My alma mater where I got my BA and MA), that "friends are the family you choose".

And finally, there is one thing I do not get about Bakari. He is sharing his life with the whole world, literally, I guess. And yet, he constantly accuses me of "talking too damn much". Now Bakari and I both have our issues, and I freely admit I am in counseling and I go to PTSD, S-Anon and Al-Anon support groups and I am pretty open about most things. I have being working on isssues like pain, shame, self-hatred, anger, betrayal, forgiveness, detachment and I am sure this list is not exhaustive.

So we differed on that issue because counseling has freed me in so many different ways that I really don't censor myself, because for the most part I do not have anything to hide. And I guess maybe Bakari's previous lifestyle choices dictated otherwise, so he couldn't be as open, and maybe he felt threatened by my penchant for disclosure. Now, this has worked in his favor since he has been incarcerated this time. I have been posting the blogs and I have sent all of them to him, even the ones that I wrote and identified as my own. I also forwarded copies of e-mails so he was always in the loop, even if he were unhappy with the messages I was sending. So there were no secrets; he hasn't been kept in the dark, like I have been all of these months. He will dispute that and he can rebut any and all of this when he takes over on November 7th.

So thanks for indulging me and reading something from the "other side", so to speak.

Best Wishes To All of You

Thank U

First, to Mom, thank you for tolerating all of the drama to which Julie and I subjected you. Garvin, thank you for being the only father I have ever known. Rissa, thank you for all of your encouragement and for being such an inspiration. Boo-Boo and Big Daddy (my g-parents), thank you for your unconditional love from Day 1, September 7, 1968. Julie, thank you for teaching me what a woman is made of and opening my eyes to the double standards to which I have adhered to in romantic relationships, for your counsel and for your labor of love to promote my healing. Mia, thank you for never judging me, for being so kind and full of love. I love you. Cindy, thank you for being my sister for over 30 years; Eric would be proud of us and our continued connection since 1975. Rest in peace, Eric, we love you. To my attorneys, Jennifer and Julie Moss, thank you for all of your help. Johnny Edwards, thank you for your true kindness; I will never forget you. And thanks to the "Augusta Chronicle", too. And to my son, Michael Elias Brown, my mission is to break the pattern of neglect and irresponsibility. Please forgive me; you are me and I am you.

Accountability

I have been @ CSP for over 4 weeks now and I have been without food, toiletries, books, stationery and my list of mailing addresses, and this has had a very adverse effect on my mental health. I have been very angry, anxious, depressed, sad and I have felt helpless about all of this.

I still maintain this isn't about rehabilitation at all because I have been deprived of my personal property for over 40 days now. I hate prison and I am angry but there are people here who still have to face many years of this, so I will happy to be free, happy to have support, happy to see my mom and family, and happy for YET another chance.

However the powers that be are not above the law or above God! There will be accountability.

And thank you for visiting me, Mia. Your attention and time brougnt great relief. Dr. K, where are you?

Ch, ch, changes...

Hi People,

I want to announce that there have been some changes in my life. My friend, Julie, and I have decided to terminate our romantic relationship. We are both greatly relieved since we came to the conclusion that we aren't compatible as a couple. It seems that each of us sees the world very differently. Our spiritual, political, cultural beliefs differ as well as views on family and tradition. And more importantly, we don't seem to trust one another and that manifests as a very shaky foundation and so it is difficult to have a relationship when that very important component is missing.

As the man and the primary transgressor, I will assume the blame and that is the proper place for it. Obviously we don't hate one another or you wouldn't be reading this. I am very grateful for all that Julie is. For those of you who don't understand her frustration and distrust, it is all valid. I will always defend her because, for the most part, she has been wonderful for me and to me.

I am due for parole on November 7th and at that time, I will assume responsibility for this blog. And now, I also have a "My Space" web page under construction, and I am looking forward to continuing to share my life with you in both forums. Thanks to all of you all around the world for participating in this therapeutic exercise.

Julie Swartzendruber, I thank you for being my best friend outside of family and I also acknowledge all of the blood, sweat and tears that you have put into our relationship. God Bless You!