Fear

Does anyone out there experience crippling fear? In my experience, I have identified different areas where fear has held me captive. I have feared death, not of my own but rather my mother's, my grand-parents, my step-father's, my sister's and Julie's. I am scared they will depart before they see for themselves, the man I aspire to be. And this fear haunts me and ironically, that has driven me into deeper addictive behavior. Because in that world, I can shove the pain down and deny it and then the only thing I can think about is buying more drugs. But the sad truth is, those only pacify me for a short time and they provide only minimal "relief". Because, eventually, reality comes crashing in and I have usually made things worse during that particular cycle of drug use.

I have also feared success and/or taking responsibility for myself or my actions. I have feared change because as I evolve I am wary of losing my finely-honed survival skills for life on the street. I am also scared of vulnerability in all capacities, i.e. whether that is in interpersonal relationships, while I am incarcerated or while I am running the streets deep in addiction.

And right now, as I am writing this, I am ashamed that I still experience any kind of fear because that appears to be indicative of doubt, and that is contrary to my professed religious beliefs. Why should I have any doubt now because God has watched over me and I am certain that God will continue to watch over me...I believe this most of the time. And now, I am really struggling with all of this. So I am sharing this for feedback and if you would like, feel free to share with me your thoughts on this.


Michael D. Brown - #P69851
PO Box 600 - #K146
Tracy, CA 95378-0600