Total Stranger

Preface: If you notice a change in style, usage, tone, language, brusque or harsh language it is b/c Bakari requested that I print it verbatim without correction or editing. So here is Bakari's voice...

This is a blog about my son. I had a visit today from my mother and we discussed the letter that Julie wrote on my behalf to submit to the A.D.A. and to judge presiding over my new case. In Julie's letter, she addressed my non-existent relationship with biological father and described it as I was being forced to only love the "idea" of James Brown. So as I reflected on that reality that my familial relationships share that same dynamic.

I am not really close to my family due to my ongoing return to police custody. My son is a complete stranger to me, in fact, he is a son in idea only. His name is Michael Eliase Brown and he is 19 years of age, and now he has his own son. I cannot tell you much more about him, only several years back that I exchanged ugly words with him and it was raw and a reflection of my immaturity. He was annoyed with me and called me a "crackhead loser".

At the time, I was free of the substance and instead of being an adult and accepting his venting like a man, I lashed out at him. He really doesn't know me at all and it is possible to walk by one another and not even recognize each other. I did to him exactly what my so-called dad did to me.I really wish that he would come and see me by myself so we can face one another man-to-man and we can see one another as we are. I really hate the entire dynamic because I desperately longed to have a relationship with my own famous dad. I called, wrote, prayed but NOTHING ever happened.

On November 15, 2006, I spoke to Mr. Bobbit, a close friend of my father and I informed him using these words, "I just want to see and talk with him before he dies." November 17, 2006, I was arrested at the parole office at my parole officer's behest and I was incarcerated for a 60-day stint. And, God Help Me, the unthinkable happened and my father died on December 25th, 2006, while I was incarcerated.

I was released on January 16, 2007, and I returned to police custody on February 10, 2007. I wasn't released again until November 7, 2007, and I was arrested on November 15th, 2007, I was stopped and arrested one block from my grand-mother's yet again...my son hates me!

Growing up, I hated my dad, then I longed for him until he died; I spent my life on an emotional roller-coaster and now the same spirit exists between Michael Eliase Brown and I. Mike, if by chance you read this one day, I beg you not to ever let history repeat itself and allow anything to come between you and your son. I also desperately hope that we will end this destructive relationship between you and I!

Unlike what my father did to me, if you reach out to me, I promise to never harm you in any way again. Sometimes I want to just distance myself from the whole thing but just as with my so-called dad, I will continue to try and fix this until one of us is gone. Unfortunately, honestly, I am not optimistic because for many years I cried and prayed, I wrote and called my pops to no avail. I just wasn't meant to have a father in this life and up until now, I am not a father either and I attribute that to my pop's complete absence in my life. Thanks James to leaving me with this legacy. The bum never acknowledged me, didn't leave me shit and it appears that I am almost exactly like him minus his millions.

Mike, if you are reading this, I just wanted to let you know that you have aunts and uncles and I have connected with some of them. I had 5 brothers however one died years ago and as of now, I have not spoken to any of them. And out of my 6 sisters, I have spoken or corresponded with 4 of them, but the one in Canada will no longer acknowledge me because she believes that she thinks she it too good for me and my one sister in Florida, because we are products of "the hard-knock life", so to speak.

A little background on my sister in Canada: she is bi-racial and she basically grew-up white and privileged, but others of us grew up hard and neglected, What my sister in Canada doesn't seem to see is that we are more like James than she is. Anyway, my point is there is a lot of hate and hostility from your paternal gene pool. Mike, I hate it, I just hate it. Why couldn't things be normal?!?! Why?!?!

Why did James die on Christmas Day and leave so much dysfunction behind? Why did his mom abandon him? He was also caught up in the criminal justice system and he also went to prison 2 times. Why couldn't he and I ever be close? Why have I failed you? Why did I hurt you? Why do you hate me? Will it ever end?

This is my letter/blog to a "Total Stranger", named Michael Eliase Brown, born Feb 16, 1991 to a Toni Marie Hererra and Michael Deon Brown, born to Mary Florence Brown and James Joseph Brown, a "Total Stranger" as well, on September 7, 1968.