On your mark, get set, parole...

Once again I am ready to re-enter society; needless to say, this isn't the first time I have looked forward to being released from prison. I am ashamed that a lot of my life has been a revolving door in and out of prison and this is really getting old at this point in my life.

Recently, on a clear day, I was looking out my cell window here at CSP and in the distance I could see a highway. I saw the trucks and cars going back and forth and I could just FEEL my freedom. And I also had this epiphany: there is absolutely no reason for me to continue this cycle and insinuating all those that love me into this as well.

I have mourned my father's death and I also realized following his death that it is time for healing, building and connecting. My family, my son and Julie are all depending on me to get it together and I believe that I am finally equipped to do just that. I am ready to put that life of self-destruction behind me for good.

The section that I currently "reside" in here at CSP is incredibly disturbing. The aura here is very different compared to other sections within this institution. There is a sense of hopelessness that permeates this area; it is very distressing on so many levels. It is sad; some are psychotic and act like imbeciles because they have succumbed to their circumstances. While others are merely poor and ignorant and got the "shaft" so to speak. Regardless, they know I am going home soon and I shouldn't be around for them to see, since it is torture for them.

I don't know how, but my spirit remains alive and vibrant despite the fact that I have been deprived of everything. However, no one can deprive me of hope, support and faith which sustains my heart and soul.

Despite my circumstances here, I have been incredibly fortunate. There is a man a few cells away who has done nothing but help me. The pen and paper I use came from him. He has also shared is dictionary and books with me. This man has a very good vibe emanating from him. He is Christian by faith and I can truly attest to that. He has 5-1/2 years left and he hasn't been to the commissary in 5 years and doesn't even have toothpaste or deodorant. I wish I could get my property back and leave it all to him!

I realize how blessed I have been my entire life and I just cannot face something like this again. So I have vowed to take it slow and easy this time. I also need to be responsible and supportive of those who have supported me. AND...finally, I just want to LIVE!