The Perils of Loyalty
Probably for the first time, I am being loyal and honest in my romantic life. There is tension associated with this prospect: For the most part, I am happy and it feels good; however, I am scared and along with this, I also feel very vulnerable.
It is ashame that a man of my age is struggling with the concept of loyalty. And now, I can truly say I love Julie and finally, she is seeing the real me apart from all the stupid and silly games.
I still battle daily with insecurity because this time I do not have a "back-burner" or a "Plan B". Yes, I have been a playa. I thought I was finding security by charming several different ladies and in my mind, I created this entourage that gave me an invisible ring of security. I would not allow myself to be vulnerable; I still fear heartbreak and abandonment. Creating that scenario was also a strongly indicative of co-dependent tendencies which still dictate some unhealthy manifestations. However, I refuse to resort back to the inauthentic way of life.
I would rather be vulnerable and to be in love and experience true love, companionship and intimacy. This is a new sensation for me because I have never truly experienced intimacy; I have always withheld all of me. And from what I understand, these traits, these predilections are a result of the lack of parenting and love from my father, James Brown.
I am fortunate that I finally see and I am attempting to understand these things now. I am finally getting to know myself and determining my place in the world.
After I return home, I plan on continuing to update my blog and my Facebook page. I believe there is someone out there who identifies with me and sees me as a friend and brother. If you are so inclined, until early Fall, you may write me at Mike Brown, P-69851, PO Box 600, #K146, Tracy, CA 95378-0600.
Labels: Vulnerability